hi there.

wedding centerpieces

This

is not good.

Not good at all.

How is it possible?

How it is that my husband can be the most selfish person on earth and yet also be so selfless and giving and generous?

If he pours wine, he bends over to see the line of liquid and ALWAYS grabs the one that is a centimeter higher than the others. He just told me that when he was a kid he would buy things for people that he wanted so he could use them. He is so selfish when it comes to little things like that. When he plates dinner he gives himself way more than others. If we order something to share he digs in like there is no tomorrow but if I have 3 bites he whines that I am eating it ALL.

Do not ever share animal style fries from In-N-Out with him.

He just asked me if we could take a chunk of wedding gift money and split it so we can each buy something for ourselves. Which isn't a bad idea, and I think we should do it. Not a HUGE amount, like maybe $500. The thing is, I totally busted him, I know he only wants to do that because he wants an expensive jacket he has been looking at. He told me I was right and that is why he wants to do it. At least he admitted it. Then I told him he was selfish and he told me to blog about it. I think he just wants me to blog more. So here it is.

oh! what a relief it is.

112.

That is the number of clothing items I just threw out. Not counting the undergarments I threw in the trash. I still have an insane amount of clothing and I am still going to throw out more, but not tonight. I still have to go through another big laundry basket of stuff and my shoes.

This means I can BUY MORE STUFF. Right?

Besides my husband, cat, friends and family... I LOVE...

reality TV
vacations
ghost huntings shows and websites
reading
true crime books/shows
being outside
animals except for one VERY bad one
being in tropical locations
taking baths/showers
finding clothes that fit and that are made well
comfortable shoes
having a clean house and car
having laundry done and put away
chatting with nice people I meet while out and about
flowers/plants
Lush products
scrubs from Isle of Eden
pajama pants
jeans
good communication
going to see bands
dinner with my husband or friends or family
holidays (how ironic, I used to HATE holidays)
pumpkin/peppermint bark/etc. (seasonal drinks/food)
being in cold weather (used to HATE this, too)
water (drinking it AND being in it haha)
art. and owning original pieces of art.
getting to know new friends/mutual friends of friends
good movies
my iphone

and at least one million other things.

bloggers block

So I figured I should just jump in here and post so that it doesn't seem so intimidating to start up again.

I have been a tiny bit busy. Got married. November 8. It was the most fun I have ever had. I should probably post some stories and pictures from it.

I thought that after the wedding I would feel a huge relief that I am not so busy anymore. Except that now I have to deal with the 86 things I was too busy to handle for the last 6-9 months. I need to make doctor appointments, an eye exam appointment, I have to clean out countless drawers and closets, have to deal with my car that is hardly running, etc. I am going to make a big ol' list and start checking things off.

I will say that my first day back at work made me want to turn right around and walk out and never come back. Nothing happened specifically, I just felt like I HAVE GIVEN YOU FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I AM FUCKING DONE DONE DONE. I am getting back into the swing of things now and it is okay.

I am thinking of planning our honeymoon and maybe 2 other big trips for the year and maybe 2-3 smaller ones. Honeymoon in Feb or March and then a few more trips to keep me motivated and have things to look forward to. I am thinking:

big trips (expense wise)
1. New York
2. either Hawaii or Bahamas or Europe for a week in Aug or September

smaller trips
1. a mini cruise DON'T TELL TONY HE HATES THIS IDEA. but I thought maybe a little 3-4 day Mexico cruise would be fun and it's super cheap! Like $250 per person for the whole thing.
2. to the house in Utah either in Jan if possible or mid-summer or next winter
3. Seattle to visit family or somewhere random like New Orleans or Chicago just for fun

We usually end up throwing in a few extra mini-vacations every few months because we have shows/festivals we go to a lot or just family events come up, etc.

I NEED MY LIFE TO BE A STRING OF VACATIONS CONNECTED BY TINY AMOUNTS OF WORK.

lies

So when I was a young teenager someone told me a lie. I can not for the life of me remember who it was. I have repeated this lie all through my life. I thought it was true. I have told many people and mesmerized them with my Amazing Facts, never knowing it was NOT TRUE. People usually respond to this particular info by turning their head to the side, squinting their eyes and saying "Hmm, really?" never wanting to believe and I have to convince them of it.

I have questioned the information myself many times when I proved it to be incorrect. Over and over. Yet, I still believed it somehow and still told people about it.

The lie: pineapple juice stains anything it touches BLACK.

Now, I eat a lot of pineapple. A super lot. I eat it until my tongue hurts. Those suckers are juicy and I often get pineapple juice on something. EVERY SINGLE TIME I EXPECT THE STAIN TO BE BLACK. It never is. Not even once. In fact, it never stains at all, not my white shirts, nothing.

But in my head I still say to myself OH FUCK! PINEAPPLE STAINS BLACK!!!

Who told me this and why do I believe it even though I have proved that it isn't true? Why did someone tell me this anyway? How many people have I told this weird thing to who figured out it wasn't true at all? WTF?

November 8th

In one month from today I will be married. If you would have asked me in 2003 what I would be doing in 5 years from now I would have probably said I would be dead or I would have just cried at the thought of what I wouldn't be doing. The last five years have been a crazy ride, I am so grateful that I made it out and that I was lucky enough to find my soulmate. I am lucky in every aspect of my life. Sometimes it seems like working hard and being a loyal honest person never pays off. Then I realize that even though I don't have millions of dollars I am so rich. With love and family and friends and just everything that makes my life mine.

It reminds me of a cheesy Ben Folds song, called The Luckiest. It's kind of about how he just feels like he never does anything right but that all of those paths led him to the love of his life and he realizes he is the luckiest after all.

Since I wrote last... I have had lots of firsts.

1. I turned 32.

2. I went away for 4 days for my bachelorette weekend. Never had one of those before.

3. I rode the bus to get to work for the first time in my life.

4. I saw three skunks together. I ran away because that is the smartest thing to do when you see a bunch of skunks hanging out, but it excited me very much. I yelled "THREE SKUNKS, THERE WERE THREE!!!" about a hundred times. Tony didn't seem as excited about it as I was. In fact, he seemed to lack any interest in the situation. For the record, he ran too. I think I also referred to it as a miracle, which incited a very puzzled look from Tony.

5. I found out I liked tempeh. I hate all meat alternatives except for veggie burger type things and the veggie corndogs from Hot Dog On A Stick. I would never try it before, but, I got it not knowing what I was getting and it was REALLY good. Like crazy good.

That is all for now, I will try to blog more again. I have been way too busy to deal with it. I got a laptop as an early wedding gift so I should use it to blog, right?

shadys back

Hi. I got back from up north and then left a few days later for Canada and now I'm back from Canada. That is all I have to say. Oh, and I got an early bday present, an iPhone! Hooray!

Kids are funny

I am in Northern California visiting some family and they had a bridal
shower for me here, too. I am staying with my childhood best friend who
I still talk to for about 15 hours a week on the phone. She has two
kids, Kat just turned 11 and Dre is 3, he will be 4 in a month. They are
sweet and entertaining beyond words. I will post about the dog show and
music performance with pics when I get home. In the meantime here is a
bit about our morning.

In the words of three year old Dreyson after he captured and named a
caterpillar...

"I am naming him MY name. There are now two Dreyson's... one is a
cat-a-pill-dar and one IS A MAN."

Then he wanted to show me the cat-a-pill-dar's testicle and we took
photos of it.

Karen tried to be a good parent for a moment (that was her wording) and
she said "Dreyson, for future reference we usually do not take photos of
anyone's testicle."

He put his new pet (now he is saying cal-a-pitter) in an empty cool whip
container with some leaves. He is obsessed with it.

Oh boy, I am having fun!

NOT.

I am addressing our wedding invitations. By myself. I wouldn't say it is HORRIFIC, but it is boring and hand/neck/arm hurty. It is also turning my brain into mush.

When I decided to plop down and type this out I sat here in the computer chair with my arms at my sides, eyes closed, and almost fell asleep within like 15 seconds.

Ooh, I did do something fun tonight! Tony and I made more ice cream. He made Nesquik (chocolate drink mix) and almond ice cream and I made vanilla and then added two cups of pureed fresh strawberries and blackberries. I think mine is more delicious and he thinks his is the best. Of course. He loves tons of almond extract and I just like a touch of it, so his is too strong for me and I love strawberry ice cream and he does not like it usually. He likes berries on their own, and he eats them all of the time, but he does not like them mixed into anything. So we were destined to not love each other's experiments.

I stopped doing the invitations and took a break because I had to look up how to address an invite to a widow. Apparently the proper way is to still us the husband's name, such as Mrs. John Smith. I just think that is too sad so I am going to do it with just her name, but keep the Mrs. part... Mrs. Jane Smith. Isn't is depressing to put the person's dead spouse's name on the invite for a joyous celebration? I don't know, if something ever happened to T I guess I would be proud for people to always keep addressing me with his name, plus I would miss him so much that a little invite wouldn't throw me into sadness because I would always be thinking about him anyway.

Random thoughts.

1. Homemade vanilla ice cream is so delicious and easy to make that I
will never buy it again. Plus I know what is in it, no preservatives or
chemicals, we used 100% organic ingredients. Only whole milk, heavy
cream, vanilla extract and sugar. Yum.

2. Sarah Palin's son Trig is one of the most adorable babies I have ever
seen. I am in love with him. I have been searching for pictures of him.
Yes, I hate her, but her son is precious.

3. Tony is the best. Ever. I am really exhausted and stressed and he
surprised me by taking all 5 loads of my laundry and washing them while
I was at work. Then after showing me that my laundry is done he made me
dinner.

4. Reno 911 is one of the best shows ever and the movie and extras on
the DVD are even better.

5. Some people are just never happy and won't ever be happy. It is very
tiring.

6. I am a jerk. Someone that wasn't very nice to me and that made me
feel like shit has been outed as an asshole and pretty much lost all of
their friends and it is a tiny bit satisfying to me. Yes, I know that
the fact that I feel like that just says something shitty about me.
Whatever. I do feel bad for the people that have been hurt in the
situation, but I don't feel bad for the asshole.

7. I love that stupid show Jon and Kate Plus Eight and I can't help it.
It is about a family with twins and sextuplets. I told a lady today that
her 2 yr old boy looked like one of the sextuplets and she said someone
else told her that the other day.

8. I am not registered to vote.

9. I got my new passport in the mail the other day. I leave in 11 days.
DO NOT WANT.

10. My nose is really cold right now.

Never ending.

Our neighbors do laundry all day and night until like 2 in the morning.
Seriously. Like 20 hours a day. I am not exaggerating. They also use
REALLY strongly scented detergent and it is gross. I am sitting in our
livingroom and it smells so much right now, it is like a thick cloud.
Maybe it is actually the fabric softener sheets. I am disgusted. I would
buy them some that smells less or better but I could never donate the
amount they use.

We wonder what they do, like do they own a cleaning service or
something? How do they do so much laundry and why?

By the way I just had to ask Tony what those square fabric/paper sheets
were called that you put in the dryer so your clothes don't stick
together. He said, "Uh, do you mean fabric softener?" He looked at me
like I was crazy. I get that look a lot.

Mmm.

I can't wait for our new ice cream maker freezer bowls to freeze. We are
going to make organic vanilla ice cream. Then once we master that we are
going to get fancy with our flavors. Oh boy!

It was all about me.

Reagan and Clementine threw me the most amazing bridal shower today. I am so lucky to have such loving and supportive friends and family.

The decorations were SO cute, I need to post pictures of them.

It was a little hard because I am not the type of person that likes to be the center of attention and in addition I get major social anxiety. Having everyone's eyes on me was a bit nerve-wracking to say the least and I think what was hitting me the most was that I am really scared about my wedding day. I am so afraid to have everyone looking at me and focusing on me and how I look. I kept having to push it out of my head today because I wanted to just burst into tears and call Tony and tell him I didn't want to have the wedding and I don't know what to do because at this point we have to. You know what though? I do want a big wedding, I want to have all of our amazing friends and family members in one place. I want to have the memory of it forever and to be able to look back on it and to tell our kids about it someday. I want the wedding, just not the anxiety.

I am glad I got to experience today so I am a bit prepared for the wedding. I was just having a temporary freak out. Both Reagan and Clementine said at some point "OMG it is hitting me that you are really getting married, today made it real" and that was how it was for me too. Very emotional. I was afraid to really feel it because I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. I was so nervous and I thought that everyone noticed and I felt really weird, but I bet no one knew and that I was just freaking out inside. There were moments where I was truly relaxed, and don't get me wrong, I did really enjoy the day, I just had no idea how crazy nervous I was going to be. It took me getting out of the situation for an hour to have it all really sink in. I am just so grateful that I have so many people that love us so much.

The best part was that they had everyone write me a little card with either advice or wishes or anything they wanted. I got home and showed T the amazing gifts we got and then we opened the cards together and I sat on the couch with tears running down my face reading all of the sweet and funny and loving things that everyone wrote.

I was so glad that I had those little notecards to read, it was the perfect ending to my day. I am going to keep them forever and read them when I need a little boost of love and support.

Thank you Reagz and Clem for such a special day and for being such loving friends, my friends are like family to me and I just don't know what I would do without any of you. I love everyone that was at my shower and it was just so overwhelming that it was all for me and Tony.

Seriously, how do we have, like, 75 amazing and really close friends?
How are we so blessed? I don't know, but I am forever grateful. Odd that I have a huge social circle and a social anxiety. Haha.

Yes I did.

I just screamed when Britney Spears won at the VMAs.

Tony said, "Are you serious?" I then proceeded to sing her song.

Yes. This happened. Shh.

defensive

So a friend of ours wrote a mean comment on another friend's blog. In front of the person and as a joke.

I wasn't in on the joke. This person who's blog it was written on is a bit of a public figure of sorts. I GOT SO MAD because I didn't know that it was a joke and that she knew all about it and blah blah blah.

I was steaming mad. Like so mad. I wrote this huge post back to the asshole who wrote the mean comment. Then I found out that it was not real. 

It made me realize that I don't think I can handle it when something real happens to my loved ones in a negative way from press or the public. Even if it is just a comment on a forum or something. I get so mad. Like I want to kill people. I know sometimes things can hurt her feelings a little bit but for the most part she really lets it roll off her back. She grew up with this sort of thing so she can deal with it better than someone who was new to the scene. Not me. I told her this morning I was steaming pissed and I was about to tear all of my clothes off like The Hulk. Except replace the muscles with fat and replace the green color with my pale white skin.

It is one thing to spout off about some celebrity/musician or politician, but just think about how much it hurts your feelings or makes you feel shitty to hear that someone said something mean about you. I think we forget sometimes that they are just people, and they are people with loved ones who would punch you straight in your ugly mug for saying something shitty to them or about them. It is weird how it is just okay to say anything we want about people that are entertainers. I know they are public figures and this comes with the territory. Well let's see how you react if I called your baby ugly, or your sister fat or said your boyfriend was hitting on girls when he wasn't or what if I said that your best friend was an idiot and a whore. Hey, you are out there walking around in public, I should be able to say whatever the fuck I want about you, right? Okay, maybe it is different, but really, just think for a second about how hard it would be for you to hear this stuff and have to just tune it out and not react because "it comes with the territory". 

Yes, I love TMZ and trashy celeb gossip sites and mags, so I guess I am just as bad as everyone else. I suppose it just hits me sometimes when it lands in my backyard, you know?

What usually frustrates me the most is when people say wrong information and I can't correct them. like they say something totally inaccurate and I just have to sit on my hands and let it go.

I also get pissed when fans (even though they are very appreciated) get a little weird and get upset about not getting enough attention when actors/musicians are kind enough to write them or talk to them. They always want more. What in the fuck are you people wanting? To come over for dinner and be best friends? Seriously, actors/musicians are not your friends, they are SO stoked to have fans and really do appreciate it, but take what they give you and then back the fuck off. Just because they have a certain career does not obligate them to keep in touch with you on a weekly basis or to stand and talk with you for 45 minutes while you are wasted drunk. It happens to friends of mine all of the time, and to my fiance.     

I was already mad about my parking ticket and then this happened. This is fair warning (for your own good) to all other humans on the planet... STEP ASIDE TODAY AND DON'T GET IN MY FUCKING WAY. 

Thank you. 

Love, 

Melissa

all in caps so that it is clear: I am Very Mad

I FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING HATE PARKING TICKETS.

WHAT A FUCKING MOTHER FUCKER OF A WAY TO WASTE MONEY.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE STARTING MY DAY BY REALIZING THAT I FORGOT WHAT FUCKING DAY OF THE WEEK IT IS AND KNOWING THAT I PROBABLY HAVE A FUCKING TICKET.

THE BEST MOST IRRITATING PART OF THIS IS THAT I COULD NOT SLEEP SO I WAS UP AT 7AM (NO PARKING STARTS AT 8AM) AND I HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND THEN IT FINALLY OCCURS TO ME WHAT DAY IT IS.

I NEVER KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A DESK JOB AND I WORK RANDOM DAYS SO I HAD TO LOOK AT A CALENDAR TO SEE WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK IT WAS AND THAT IS WHEN I REALIZED IT WAS A STREET CLEANING DAY.

THESE ARE THE MOMENTS THAT I FUCKING HATE LIVING IN LA.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM TOTALLY PISSED AT THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.

I HAVE NOT FORGOT ABOUT STREET CLEANING IN SOOO LONG, I USED TO DO IT AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH ALMOST, BUT IN THE LAST 2 YEARS THIS HAS ONLY HAPPENED MAYBE  TWICE.  WHEN I FORGET ONE TIME IT TOTALLY NULL AND VOIDS ALL OF THE HUNDREDS OF TIMES I HAVE REMEMBERED.

GRRRR. 

SINCE I AM VENTING:

I HATE WEDDING PLANNING.

I HATE PMS.

I HATE DOING LAUNDRY.

I HATE DOING DISHES.

I HATE SHOPPING FOR A STUPID DRESS FOR MY BRIDAL SHOWER.

I HATE HAVING TO GO TO FEDEX.

I HATE PAYING FOR PARKING EVERY DAY TO GO TO WORK.

pms

is not my friend.

napalm nightmare

So I had a very disturbing dream last night. I kept half waking up and going back to sleep and the dream just continued all night. I will see how much I can remember of it.

In my dream... things in parenthesis are my notes, not part of the dream...

We lived near my friend Gene (Tony and I have known him forever, since we were teenagers) in the same building (in reality he lives 2 hours away) and he told Tony that he had some napalm. Tony wanted it really bad and I didn't want it in our house because I was afraid of it. Gene kept trying to tell Tony that we shouldn't take it because it was really dangerous but Tony didn't care and HAD to have it. This canister was one of only 18 left in the entire world, after those canisters there was no napalm ever again. So Gene went home and then Tony and I just went in our place to do whatever and pretty soon we heard a huge commotion and there was a big crowd of people around the steps of our building (which kind of looked like a school, big long wide stairs the width of the building, not a little stoop) but not like they gathered for a reason, just like they were wandering about doing their own business, going in and out of the building, stopping to chat, etc. So Gene comes barreling through this crowd in his underwear and everyone kind of stops to stare because he is just storming through and he comes to Tony and I (we are magically in front of our place now and not inside anymore) and he sets down a canister and says something about how if Tony has to have this SO BAD then he can have it but that this is a really bad idea. Gene goes back to his place and we go in our place and Tony sets the canister down in our hallway. The canister has no lid and is filled about half-way with dull gunmetal colored metal balls of varying sizes, all about the size of a pea or a ball bearing. 

So Tony goes off into another room and I am drawn to this stupid can of napalm and I don't want to be and I am TERRIFIED of it but I can't stop fucking around with it. The next thing I know I have a huge mouthful of the little spheres and I realize that they are in my mouth and I freak out and Tony is there now and telling me it is a Very Bad Idea to put them in my mouth and I know this and I am so scared about it and so I try to gently spit them out all over the carpet and every few minutes I realize another little ball is still in my mouth (I know me saying BALLS are in my mouth is funny, but I don't know what else to call these things) and I keep spitting them out and then it happens again, I feel another one in my mouth still and I finally get them all out. 

I go into the other room where Tony is and tell him my mouth is burning and then we are in a bathroom and I am so flipping out inside but staying calm and I just keep spitting into the sink and blood and black stuff is coming out and I am sure that it is from way down deep (not my mouth, like stomach or lungs or something is what I thought) and it is scaring me. I just keep spitting and wondering what is going to happen to me and it hurts and I am devastated.

I go back into the other room and see that Amber (our cat) is batting around the balls I spit out and I am like NO!!! and I was freaking out again and she bats one and it hits another one and it kind of disintegrates and a big 6 foot tall cloud of powder comes out (not a thick cloud, a really misty light one, not dense). I am so scared and I don't know if that cloud is going to, like, kill everyone in my town or make my house explode or kill us or do nothing.

From here on out all of my memories of the dream get spotty. I remember going to some rich guy's mansion and standing on the balcony next to Tony and the guy asked me if I needed help and when Tony looked away I said NO I AM FINE but I was nodding yes and my eyes were all wide so he could see I needed help but couldn't say anything in front of Tony (I have no idea why). So Tony leaves and the guy introduces me to his live in housekeeper and tells me her name and that she is friends with Consuela and I asked him who that was and everyone there, the housekeeper, the guy and his daughter, basically told me I was a jerk because Consuela was my family's housekeeper that has lived with us for like 20 years and I don't even know her name and I was like oh whatever who cares what her name is or that I don't know it (which is totally fucked up and Tony's family housekeeper of 20 years is amazing and I love her and she is even coming to our wedding, so I would never feel that way but that is how it was in the dream).

I went with the guy into his bedroom to go on his computer (he had tons of Mac computers all over his house) and the screen was like the size of a headboard and was behind his bed like that so I had to lay on my stomach on the bed to see the whole screen because it went behind the bed to the ground and I was trying to search for napalm and the effects and I couldn't get any search results no matter what I did. Then I was complaining to him that it must be nice to have computers and he was like "you have 2 at your house" and I was like "but they aren't Mac" and he said "Oh, okay" (we have 2 computers in real life and they are both Mac). 

The last thing I remember in the dream is that I had to walk around these huge lawns of giant mansions from lawn to lawn and they were separated by huge rows of bushes.

I kept waking up all night and was so disturbed by this dream and I finally just got out of bed and googled napalm because I had to for some reason and I read all about it. 

I wonder why I had this crazy dream, and why it was centered around napalm...? Weird! 

I like your purr and your fur.

I became best friends with an orange tabby named Rufus Pickles Thomas
III. I love him so much I think about him every second. Every minute
away from him is heartbreaking. I want to cuddle him and kiss his kitty
face right now. He has a strong purr and a sweet little face. Love him.
Maybe he will be my kitty in my next life.

Advice.

If you are ever locked in a small room with a cobra you have 2 choices:

1. Dance around like a ninny saying "Holy crap. I am so scared."

2. Bash your skull against a wall until you die.

For some reason Tony and Clementine don't understand why these are the
only 2 obvious options. The only things they suggested were wrapping the
yucky reptile around my neck to strangle myself or the other was to step
on the head. Both of these are terrible and stupid.

Thank you very much.

They also think a funny book to write would be... me answering how to
react to situations I consider scary.

Announcement...

Tony,

If they do that to your face and make it so hurty, maybe Jesus doesn't want you to have it.

Thank you Sir.

Love,

Melissa

30 in 30

I miss blogging every single day. I am going to try and do that again.

Tony is busy.

He is dealing with potatoes and Clementine.

HELP!!!

See this post...

http://ttgopp.blogspot.com/2008/08/ultimate-power.html

twist it on out.

I want all of my disfunctional parental figures and Tony's parents to do
the twist together on the dance floor after my father daughter dance at
our wedding.

Why? Because I will find it funny.

I will also need cheering up after my father daughter dance. That moment
is pretty much going to crush my bitter fucking soul into a tiny crying
ball of pink glitter and cotton candy and I will not be able to recover
from it without an immediate happy dance.

I am already anticipating the moment where everyone is looking at me and
my Dad dancing knowing that we have no relationship and that we used to
be inseparable and it is going to be such a bummer that it might just
destroy my whole mood if I let it. It is such a depressing subject I
can't ever let myself really think about it. In fact I have thought
about it too much already. I have been crying off and on for about an
hour and I need to just push it all back down.

I do not do well on the subject of my Dad. If only I didn't love him so
much for so long this would be easier. I often wonder if it would have
been easier to not have ever had him at all. Having a full on 100% Dad
for 18 years and then none at all is so odd and upsetting I can't even
begin to describe it. I don't want to turn 36 because that will be the
point that I have been without a Dad for longer than I had one.

I always want to feel like I had one for longer than I didn't. If that
makes sense...

Oh well, I have 5 more years to worry about that. Maybe something will
change.

lucky

I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have had so many amazing people in my life. I could have written a similar letter (like the Clementine one) to maybe 30 people in my life. I know people that don't really have many friends, or they have only had one or two really close friends in their lives. I have had so many. Even the friendships I have had that ended in betrayal or anger were really fantastic at one point, I learned things about myself and had a ton of fun. At any given point I usually have about 2-4 best friends and 20 really super close friends and about 50 good friends and hundreds of other friends I see on a yearly basis. Most of my friends have the same situation. We are all so lucky. I am so grateful. 

Moving to LA was so hard for me, for many reasons. I don't think I could have stayed here if it wasn't for Reagan, she really helped me through so many things. I really needed that. Later in the game came Clementine. She was significant because she is one of the only people in LA that I made friends with on my own and not through somebody else. 

How do I meet so many people that end up being like family to me? It is so crazy. Sometimes it seems like people are in place so that I can end up knowing them. Maybe I am just overly sentimental and I read into my friendships too much. I don't know. I just know that I can't imagine going through this life without these people around me. 

I have had a best friend since I was 5 years old. Her name is Karen and we have nothing in common. Well, nothing on the surface, but we think alike and we have similar personalities, they just come out in very different ways. When I am insecure, I become a bitch, she becomes really sweet and tries to make nice with people so she can feel better. I push people away or get bitter and negative. She is, besides my sister, the absolute kindest person I have ever known in my life. She is so sweet and giving and loving and really accepts anyone for who they are.  She doesn't judge what you wear or anything superficial, she doesn't care about those things. She never picks at negative things, she always pushes the positive. She is loving and understanding and I don't even think I could write about her because it would take me 3 years to write a post that would capture our relationship and how I feel about her. 

Most people don't even know about her. We haven't lived in the same town since I was  10 or 11 but we talk weekly, sometimes daily. When she was pregnant with her first child we talked literally every single day of her pregnancy, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. She says I was like her spouse during that time, I am so glad and honored I could be there for her when she was alone. I know how devastating that was for her. The story ended up like a fairytale, she eventually married the dad who turned into the most amazing husband and father, ever, and they now have another child and have been very happily married for over 10 years. 

clem likes food

glorious clementine

Clementine

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

I think you are one of my true soulmates in life. I have only met 2 other people in my life that I can think of that I felt like this about. My friend Karen that I have known since I was 5, and Tony. The second I saw you, I said to myself "she is going to be my best friend" and I know I have told this story a thousand times, but that is because it was so amazing. So shocking. I felt creepy. I thought, "uh, why did that just pop into my head, weird..."

I felt like I knew the moment I saw you that we were meant to be connected. Now this doesn't mean that the other people I love so very much aren't just as important as you are to me, I just feel this other-worldy connection to you. Like we have know each other since before we both existed and we will know each other for many years after we are gone.

There have been times I wish I didn't feel this way about you. There were moments when I even said to Tony, "Damn, I wish I wasn't permanently attached to her." I have always felt that there is no going back. We are stuck with each other for ever, for better and for worse.

I almost lost you once. You were slipping away and I had to walk off and leave you and hope that you would come back. I had to leave you laying on the floor because I couldn't watch you struggle and suffocate yourself anymore. It was too hard. I really thought you were as good as gone and staying and watching was too much. Then, you came back to us, to all of us. I have cried so many times just thanking the universe for that.

I am still afraid it will happen again. I don't think everyone knows how close we came to losing you. I knew, I felt our connection slipping away... sliding off the cliff. We were holding hands and I felt one finger let go and another and the grip was getting loose and our hands were sweating and at the very last second we grabbed on to each other and you were safe. If there is a next time, I will fight for you and I will not allow it to happen. No way, no how. I will not let you get that far away from who you are. I won't just say "She is doing her own thing, I can't help her anymore." Nope. Sorry. I know better now.

When you hurt, I hurt, it kills me. It is like when your sister hurts, you want to kill someone and cry and take away all of her pain at the same time. Then you kind of want to punch her for making stupid mistakes.

I love how you walk in a room and people can't help but stare and smile. Your presence is like sunshine. There is something just so fresh and bright and innocent and childlike about you. Something that draws people to you. I think you would have that same quality even if you weren't as shockingly beautiful as you are.

I love how almost every interaction with you leaves me feeling better about who I am. I wish I could see myself the way you see me. I used to not believe that you could really think so many good things about me. You finally got me to believe it.

When I think of you, when your name is said or when it pops into my head, I think of you laughing and smiling. Isn't that lovely?

I would say I love you like a sister, but with a sister there are no choices, you are stuck with what you get. Even though I think we were always meant to know each other, there is a clear choice we have made.

You are family to me. Chosen family, hand-picked. I love you.

Open Letter. You know who you are...

Dear Monkey-Muffin,

I am so glad that you are getting the chance to do this. I know it is really hard for you, it would be really hard for anyone. I don't want you to shove it all down anymore. You are allowed to have feelings. You are not weak because you hurt.

It is hard to see you go through this, it was hard to see you sink into a depression and not be able to help you. I love you so very much and I want you to be able to be happy and to smile without a lingering sadness behind it.

I knew that your Mom was going to die, even though it was hard to believe, and I was terrified of it for so long because I didn't know what was going to happen to you when she was actually gone. Then it happened and I was terrified because you didn't freak out, you didn't lose your mind. I knew it was all inside of you, being shoved down over and over again.

I know you were scared that if you quit running, it would take hold of you, and, you would never be able to function again. I think you even said once that you were afraid that if you let yourself feel just a tiny bit, if you opened up that door, you would fall on the floor and be a total pile and never get up again. Well, guess what? You quit running, you are looking it in the face and you are still here, you are still okay. I know you are sad, confused, angry, scared, lonely and probably a bit bored, but you are still breathing, still functioning and you will be fine. I promise.

Look at what you are doing! You left the safety of everything behind. You quit running, you quit shoving it all down.

Yes, I will admit, I am a little scared for you, I don't want you to have to deal with it. I don't want you to have to feel the intense pain you are feeling, but, I see a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow buddy. I really do. I see you really letting go of some things, really reflecting on who you are, who you want to be, who you can be. You are so amazing, I wish you could give yourself what you have given me over the last few years.

I want to know who you are at your very core. When I met you, your Mom was dying. I have never known you without that burden. I wonder which parts of you are different because of that, I wonder if none are different.

If I could give you anything it would be total serenity. I would take that shiny little serenity, place it on a little fluffy chunk of organic cotton, and put it in a small wooden box with pretty gold hinges. I would show up, unexpected, and present it to you with both hands, with my head bowed down, with tears of happiness streaming down my face. Oh, my friend, if only I could give you that. If only.

Love,
Breakfast Sandwich

Sneezy McSneezerson

I have been sneezing non-stop for about 4 hours now. Tony must have
gotten sick of saying "bless you!" because he finally said "Bless you
for eternity... for the rest of the night" which technically doesn't
make sense but I think you know what he meant. :)

Sidenote- I have sneezed 3 times while writing this.

Excuses, excuses.

I have been sick and busy so I haven't written in a while. I am taking a
medication called Levaquin, it is so harsh. It makes me dizzy and makes
me throw up I am very drowsy except for when I actually try to go to bed
and then I can't sleep. Plus I wake up coughing all night long. I just
ate a magic honey stick so hopefully I will be able to sleep. Tomorrow
is my last day of meds, after that I will never take it again.

Got some possible bad news about 2 friends. Both medical issues that are
very scary

On a positive note... Quitiquit's dad was released from prison with all
charges dropped after going through being accused of murder (of his
wife) and being held for several years. We went and saw him in court
once and they wouldn't even let Quitiquit say hi to him. It was such a
bummer. He is moving to LA now, that should be interesting.

Do not believe me.

If I try to convince you that I am not a bridezilla... do not believe
me.

Guess who's back?

I am back to work and things are good, despite the ups and downs that
always happen.

I have been able to spend time with my Tony and I needed to do that. We
have both been exhausted the last few days, him from jet lag and me from
everything.

I got to go back to work and get in the groove again.

We got several major wedding related things done. There are still MANY
major things to handle, but things are very slowly falling into place.
My 2 bridal showers and my one bachelorette party are being planned by
my amazing besties.

We went and saw The Dark Knight with friend's we don't see very often
anymore.

I finally did laundry after a month.

We went to our friend's baby's first birthday last night and we have
another friend's kid's birthday party tomorrow night.

I think I might go take a bath for the first time in months.

We are really looking forward to our little Santa Barbara vacation this
weekend.

I am a little sad I didn't write the last few days, but I just couldn't.
My head was too cloudy and I was too upset and overwhelmed to care about
blogging. If I would have posted t would have been super emo and/or
annoying and whiny anyway.

Verdict. People vs. Leland Wong.

Count 1 guilty
Count 2 guilty
Count 3 guilty
Count 4 guilty
Count 5 guilty
Count 6 guilty
Count 7 not guilty
Count 8 guilty
Count 9 guilty
Count 10 guilty
Count 11 guilty
Count 12 guilty
Count 13 not guilty
Count 14 not guilty
Count 15 not guilty
Count 16 not guilty
Count 17 not guilty
Count 18 guilty
Count 19 guilty
Count 20 guilty
Count 21 not guilty

What the counts were...
1 bribery
2-3 conflict of interests
4 perjury
5-17 theft by embezzlement
18-20 filing a false tax return
21 conflict of interests

This was very emotional and I don't know if I will be able to write
about the details anytime soon. I might write everything out but there
is part of me that just doesn't even want to talk about it. I have done
a lot of crying today and this does not feel good at all. It feels very
raw and surreal right now and just sickening. I am wondering if I will
ever be able to shake this feeling or if it will always feel this way.

I know we did the right thing, I just wish it didn't have to be this
way. I will think about Mr. Wong's son Jonathan for the rest of my life.
Seeing his reaction to the verdict tore out my heart and I feel like
part of me was left back there in that courtroom. My stomach still feels
like it is in my throat.

Sentencing is September 25, 2008.

I was going to try and go but now I am not sure if I can do it.

I won't ever forget that I was Juror number 8.

Shhh.

TT! Why you gotta tell everyone about my own private Idaho?

No, silly. I don't want you to be gone. Even though you are saying that
I do.

I do not have any idea as to why our most special kitty has dreads. I
didn't do anything weird to her. Since she doesn't let me touch her back
ever (under threat of amputation) I thought it was normal. Now you are
going to tease (no pun intended) me about it forever.

Oh, and, you said you were going to bed so I could watch whatever I want
but you wouldn't let me watch Project Runway. You haven't gone to bed
still and it has been a long time and I am being forced to watch various
forms of news programming which will not be shocking to anyone. Hmph.

Come on TT, let's go get our sleep sleeps.

Unwinding

Tony is home. The knot in my stomach is slowly disappearing. Back to
regulary scheduled programming.

the attorneys must be tired.

prosecution rested. 

defense rested. 

next stage began today. 

closing arguments. 

then we deliberate. 

then we come up with a verdict. 

then I am done. 

The sick part? I am really going to miss spending time with some of the other jurors. There are lots of really great, nice, intelligent, interesting people on our jury. There are a few that I really enjoy hanging out with and in fact one of them has really given me some great advice and perspective on life. I am trying to work up the courage to ask one of them to keep in touch with me. You never know who is going to walk into your life, or why they are there, but sometimes you know certain things are happening for a reason. 

one more sleep.

this is it. only one more night. 

stinker face

This post on www.dooce.com (one of my favorite blogs) reminds me of Clementine's smelly face cream. I came over one day and Clementine's significant other said "Come here and smell Clem's face! Tell her it stinks!" I was like, "Huh? What is happening here?" and then I was forced to smell her cheek and OMG her stunningly beautiful face smelled like a junk yard. An extra stinky junk yard. 

So the funniest part about it is that we gave her so much shit, and we were both so horrified that she would wear this yucky (although expensive) substance on her face, that I went and bought her a new face cream as a little prezzie. The one I bought her was a bad batch (which happens with Lush products, although very rarely) and I ended up gifting her an even MORE smelly cream on accident. Oops. Sorry Clemmykins. You are destined to be a stinker face. 

looking back at craptastic July

I am looking through my posts from July, dude this has been such a sucky month! I knew it would be with so many things going on, I have just been bracing myself to get through it. Only 2 more weeks of trial and I can actually have 2 days off per week and not be stretching myself so thin, and Tony will be home from tour and I can really get some serious planning done for the wedding.

Thank goodness it is almost over. In retrospect is isn't the worst time I have ever had but it has just been so stressful at every turn and everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. There have been so many crazy things to deal with and it didn't help that one of my 2 best girlfriends in LA moved away and Tony is gone along with everything else. 

It has been so emotional and poopy. I was going to write a list of the 87 shitty stressful things that have happened but instead I will think positive and try to put it all behind me. The good part is that the month FLEW by. You know when something seems like it is forever but at the same time is is gone before you know it? Thank goodness it is almost over. 

Yes, I do have perspective I realize that everything I have dealt with this month is not life or death and I do know that I am still really lucky to live the spoiled life I live, but that doesn't mean I can't call a really stressful time what it was. As long as everyone I love is healthy and generally happy, I am grateful and I never lose that reality. Trust me, I know things can be worse, much worse. I would take this stress any day over things my loved ones have had to deal with recently.

The good news is that Tony and I are smarty pants and we planned a vacation for August 2-4 because we knew he would be home from tour and I would be done with the trial and the overall stressful month and it would be a good reward. We are staying here in Santa Barbara:

How amazing does this look? Oh boy, I can't wait!

wedding flowers

We have been having lots of trouble getting actual ideas for our wedding. We know the outline of what we want but when it comes to actual colors or decor or flowers, etc., we don't have anything nailed down yet and we are only 3 months away!

The only thing we have really wanted from the beginning are orchids. We got engaged in Maui and they use SO many orchids there, and we both love them, so we thought it would be a good flower idea. I have been at a loss as to any ideas for my bouquet using orchids because I really haven't seen anything I liked. I think I found something! I really like the idea of using succulents in our table centerpieces and my bouquet, etc. It might sound a bit odd, but check out these pictures... I love this look! Especially since we are getting married in the desert at a botanical garden/nature preserve.

message from the cat

Amber wants me to tell the world that SHE LOVES BACON.

DUH.

So I just figured out why I have been a total psycho and feeling physically ill and awful for the last week. 

PMS. 

For a few days every month for about 20 years now I start to feel extra fat (even when I only weighed 95lbs) and I am extra emotional and start crying out of nowhere and I get severe headaches and nausea and bad stomach issues. Yet, every time I start my period I am shocked as if it came out of nowhere and was a total surprise and then I say to myself "Ohhh! That is why I was feeling this way!" Why do I never connect it? It is really bizarre. I suppose I should keep a calendar and maybe I will be expecting it from now on. 

not a pretty sight

This morning I went to work at 7:30am with a migraine. I left at around 11am. If I was not nauseous and barfy I could have worked through the pain. 

While I was at work Tony called me from backstage at the festival in Belgium, he just got off stage playing and had a great time and a good show. He said he cut himself open pretty bad but he didn't seem to be too concerned about it. He did say he was wondering if it was bad enough to need stitches.  I could hear his brother and Lora in the background saying hello to me. When he first called I burst into tears. I have been having a much harder time than I thought I would.

I came home and fed Amber a can of tuna since I realized she had no food and then I slept (or tried) until around 3pm. I had all kinds of weird bad nightmares while I faded in and out of sleep. Then I sat up and stared at the tv for about 3 hours. 

I finally pulled myself off of the couch to go to the grocery store in the shirt I had been napping and sweating in for 3 hours and some baggy jeans. Fantastic. I rented 2 movies and then went to an ice cream store next to the grocery store and got a soft serve thing mixed with reese's. Finally made it in the grocery store and bought 18 cans of cat food and a refrigerated pizza to cook for dinner. At last I didn't get a frozen one, right?

Today, I was not a pretty sight. This is so depressing for some reason. What in the hell is wrong with me?

:(

i don't like today. it was a crap day. i did nothing of value and had a headache.

:( 

where is my tt?

blah.

I don't think Tony and I have gone a day without talking since he went to Mexico once and had no cell reception. Other than that we haven't gone a day without speaking in maybe 3 or 4 years. He left me a message while I was in court. I saved it so I can listen to it if I start to get really sad. 

I feel a little lost. Like I don't know what to do. I know it sounds pathetic. Whatever, when your fiance goes to Europe to play a show 3 months before your wedding, without you, you can then tell me I am being a little bitch about it. :)

Next time I will go, I just couldn't deal with it right now. Too much to handle at home.

I am not devastated or totally depressed, just feel a bit lonely and bored. 

wedding website

http://www.tornaywedding.blogspot.com

public info

Sometimes I want to post things and I can't because I don't want to post things about certain feelings/friends because I don't want to:

1. post things that will end up on fan websites (like amazing pictures of Clemmy wearing a veil while I was trying on wedding dresses)

2. post things that reveal things about people close to me (such as relationships and/or embarrassing things) that they consider private to the world like things with C/M/R or T

3. post things that hurt people's feelings but that I really want to vent about

4. post things that are personal to me that I feel self-conscious about and don't want mocked or used against me

I wish I could blog a little more freely. Now I understand how Clementine feels about posting every day life things and personal things, it is hard to find the balance of letting people in and still keeping them at a distance and not revealing too much. I want to write about the most important people to me which are C, T and R and yet most things I want to write about fall into the above categories. What is a girl to do? 

I always assume that no one gives a shit about C's private life but when I see pages and pages and threads 60 pages long on weird fan websites, and little avatar pictures of her it kind of freaks me out and reminds me that I have to be a little careful sometimes. 

See I have written out about 6 sentences that I erased because I think maybe some things shouldn't be said. I am not under any illusions that certain peeps are more famous than they actually are, but I suppose it is like obscure bands, they have a rabid following even if it isn't many people. Except no one usually picks apart details of obscure band members like they do with actors. 

Okay, I am going to go read tmz now. Oops. Haha.

goodbye

Tony is at the airport, I just dropped him off, he is flying out of LAX at 9:45pm to NYC and then leaving tomorrow night to Belgium and then traveling Amsterdam. I am so jealous! He is going to play the Dour festival. 

Packing

I hate packing, luckily I have it down to an art. I had to pack tonight
but I don't get to go anywhere. No fair!

T is all ready to go. I take him to the airport tomorrow night. I will
be so busy that I won't have much time to sit around and be bored and
lonely. I will miss him a lot though. I am so used to being with him all
of the time and not being able to really talk to him will be weird.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. :(

why oh why?

How come Minute Maid "cranberry juice" is one hundred thousand times better than any other cranberry juice?

legally restricted from using manners

So an odd thing happens when you are a juror. You are ordered by the judge to not speak with ANYONE related to the case (witnesses, attorneys, etc.) which creates many awkward situations throughout the day.

People hold doors for each other since there are usually large amounts of people entering/exiting the courtroom at one time. You have to hold back from saying thank you. Or the person holding the door (unless it is a juror) will look at you as if to say NooOOOOO!!!!! and put their hand out towards in a stop gesture to indicate that you should NOT TALK TO THEM. Okay, I get it, we aren't supposed to talk to anyone about the case. Does it really need to go as far as this? When I bump into one of the lawyers and knock her purse off of her arm and she drops things it is hard to not say excuse me, or sorry, it just feels odd. However, regardless of my opinion on the matter, I am not allowed to say a word. So I just make an "Oops!" face and move along.

We are usually all gathered in the hallway together in the morning, including the family of the defendant, and it is weird to feel like you should avoid being near them. Should I? I mean, I can stand wherever I want, right? Why should I feel odd standing near someone? I suppose it is just the fear of hearing something I wasn't intended to hear and not wanting to break any rules on accident.

Going to work now. It would be nice if jury duty was my job right now and I didn't have to go to work on the days we don't have jury duty. I return to the courthouse Monday at 9am.

Seriously.

I love La Pequena.

food poisoning

I am pretty sure I have food poisoning. I feel ill. I feel like I have a
fever and I have other unpleasant things happening. I called Tony's dad
(he is a doctor) and he said I probably have a food borne illness. This
is such bad timing. Fuck.

booooooring.

Oh my. Today was so boring and I was so tired that I am falling asleep trying to type this.

It is kind of nice being off "work" by 5 on the nights where I don't drive to the store after jury duty. The thing is, I am so sleepy by the time I get home that I waste the whole day anyway because I can't stay awake, or if I can I just can't do anything but lay there. I have tried sugar and caffeine and it doesn't work.

I am going to lay down.

Good and Bad

Good = got a wedding dress today
Bad = feeling sick like I might be getting the flu

Drained

I have been so busy with extreme pressure at work, the trial, the wedding, and social engagements, that I feel generally overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. The heat is sucking the remaining life from me and I can barely keep my eyes open throughout the day. I fell asleep at 7pm and woke up at 9pm and I am struggling to stay awake now.

I have so many things to do in the next month that I am just kind of shutting down because I can't really comprehend the extent and number of my responsibilities.

Maybe I am not even making sense right now, I am having a hard time finding the right words.

I also feel a little anti-social just because I am so scattered and I can't really function enough to even want to talk to anyone about anything.

I am for sure feeling the stress of some of my friend's issues such as relationship troubles, or their stresses regarding their major life changes or events.

I know that it is just a crazy time, I am bracing myself and trying to just get through every day, one by one. After the 12th I will feel much better because one major stress factor will be eliminated. Except for Tony leaves for tour on the 15th and that is going to be hard.

I'm okay, I am doing good at not stressing out and realizing that some things are out of my control. However, I would be a robot if I didn't feel the pressure of everything, and we all know... imnotarobotgirl.

Happy 4th of July!

We went out to Venice beach today/tonight for a friend's party and fireworks. It was fun. Cops fucking suck. Lora yelled at them for driving really fast on the beach at night in the dark when there were a shitload of kids around. The chick cop was flipping out on her asking her "did you see me kill a child?" and telling her that they were responding to a call, blah blah blah. There was a second there I thought they might cuff her. It was so lame. The story is better and longer but I am tired and can't write anymore.

room with a view. and a buzzer.

So today we got to use the jury room for the first time. It is a little room with 16 chairs and a HUGE table and a couch that sits 3 people. It actually has a really cool view of downtown LA. We have a really tiny fridge and a microwave. There is also a bathroom. Oh boy. The excitement. Haha. There are 2 clocks in the room and both of them are off about 5 hours.

The way it works is we all gather there, in the room, after every break. We have a morning break, afternoon break and lunch and sometimes another extra break if any of the lawyers need extra time for something. When all 18 jurors (there are 6 alternates) are in the room we hit a buzzer one time. When the judge is ready for us he hits the buzzer twice and we come out. One sucky thing about the room, is that once you go in you can't come out for any reason until you get the 2 buzzes.

Waiting for court to start

This is so hard for people with no patience. The only thing I could
compare this lengthy, neverending boredom to is an international flight.
Except it is more uncomfortable, emotionally and physically, and when
you get out you aren't rewarded with Paris or Tokyo or a beautiful
tropical paradise. You are in dingy, dirty, nasty, crime ridden downtown
Los Angeles.

My elevator ride to the 9th floor was notably awkward. I found myself
alone with the defense attorneys, the defendant and his wife and son. We
all looked down, everyone stayed silent and it almost felt like everyone
held their breath the whole way up. I just kept thinking, my vote could
cause this man to be in prison forever.

random fun facts about the building my trial is in and jury duty.

Judge Lance Ito hears felony criminal cases there. Remember him? He was the judge on OJ's trial.

It is the home of the Los Angeles County District Attorney and the Los Angeles County Public Defender.

The cafeteria serves Jell-O and they even have a red, white, and blue striped slab of it. With whipped cream. I would love to take a photo of the amazing huge display of jiggly gelatin in little styrofoam bowls. Maybe if I get bored enough or disgruntled enough I will.

In Los Angeles (the biggest court system in the US)...

8,000-10,000 jurors a day serve on a trial.

They call 2.68 million people to jury duty a year and almost a million people actually sit on a trial.

That is all for now. I will blog from court on a break. They have picked the jury and are now picking the 5 alternates.

my new home... and the woman behind it.

The Clara Shortridge Foltz Criminal Justice Center is where I am serving my time. It was called the Criminal Courts Building until it was renamed in 2002 after Clara S. Foltz (1849-1934).

Who is she? I go this info from wikipedia:

...after being denied admission to Hastings College of the Law because of her gender, she sued, argued her own case, and won admission. She passed the bar exam in 1878, but California law at the time allowed only white males to become members of the bar. Foltz authored a state bill which replaced "white male" with "person," and in September 1878, she was the first woman admitted to the California bar. She later also became licensed to practice law in New York.

At the Chicago World’s Fair in 1893, during a "congress" of the Board of Lady Managers, Foltz introduced her idea of the public defender, with a speech entitled "Rights of Persons Accused of Crime--Abuses Now Existing." Foltz's then-radical concept of providing assistance to indigent criminal defendants is used today throughout the United States. She also created a similar model for the California Parole System.

Not satisfied with becoming a hometown attorney, Foltz became a leader in the woman’s voting rights movement. During a career that spanned 56 years, Clara almost single-handedly pushed a great deal of progressive legislation for women’s rights in the voting and legal fields.

Her many other trail-blazing accomplishments included becoming the first female clerk for the State Judiciary Committee; the first woman appointed to the State Board of Corrections; the first female licensed Notary Public; the first woman named director of a major bank; and, in 1930, the first woman to run for Governor of California, at the age of eighty-one.

In 1910, she was appointed to the Los Angeles District Attorney's Office, becoming the first female deputy district attorney in the United States. She was active in the suffrage movement, authoring the Women's Vote Amendment for California in 1911. Foltz also raised five children, mostly as a single mother, and encouraged women not to overlook their traditional domestic roles.

Wow. Go Clara!

Number 8

I am now a juror in a 5 week criminal trial.

I will be blogging from the courthouse probably. Not about the trial
since I am not allowed to discuss it.

the challenge.

30 in 30.

30 blog entries in 30 days.

me and C dog. OH BOY THAT IS THE BEST NICKNAME EVER!!! C DOG. WHAT UP C DOG?

okay, it is too early for blogging, it is obviously getting reckless. I am going to put down the blog now and back away slowly...

Decisions, decisions.

Should I clean the house or go to sleep?

I am so, totally, tired but I hate it when we let things get cluttered.
It stresses me out. I like to catch it before the place goes from
cluttered here and there to messy. There is nothing more satisfying than
coming home to a clean house.

I have an early meeting so I might just fall asleep.

Did I mention that it is as hot as an oven in here? Our poor little air
conditioner is trying really hard to cool the place down, but I think it
is fighting a losing battle.

Sticky, sweaty, tired.
Goodnight.

Mmm

Air conditioning. That is all I have to say.

Wanting.

I miss margaritas on the rocks with salt and fresh lime.
I miss fruity blended margaritas.
I miss vodka sodas with lime.
I miss pretty much anything else with vodka.
Bloody Marys, damn I miss those.
Beer. Beer is so good.

I just want one. One little drink. I have a feeling it won't be as yummy
as it sounds. But what if it is? Mmm. I won't have a drink, but some
days I crave it like it is junkfood.

There is a professor at CMU named Randy Pausch that is dying of pancreatic cancer. He gave a talk that they call The Last Lecture and it has lots of great info in it. It was his way of giving his last talk and saying a goodbye of sorts to his class and colleagues.

There is a long version, over an hour long, that I have watched twice. I
found a shorter version that runs less than 15 minutes. It is really
worth watching. I will post the two versions and you can watch either
one.

Long version:

Short version:

This is what I learned from Randy:

-Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things. Brick walls let us show our dedication, they are there to separate us from those people who don't really want to achieve their dreams.

-Let your kids paint their bedroom. It won't bring down the value of your house, it isn't a big deal, just let them do it.

-Have something to bring to the table because that will make you more welcomed.

-Sometimes you can get more from a dream you don't accomplish.

-Have fun every day you have left because there is no other way to play it. He is dying and he is still having fun.

-Instead of telling someone they are a jerk, tell them "It is such a shame that other people perceive you this way because it will get in the way of your success."

-Show gratitude.

-Be prepared. Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.

-The best gold is at the bottom of a barrel of crap.

-Don't complain, just work harder.

-Be good at something, it makes you valuable.

-When you see yourself doing something badly and no one is bothering to tell you anymore, that is a bad place to be.   That means they have given up on you.

-Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.

-It is very important to know when you are in a pissing match and to get out of it as soon as possible.

-Decide if you are going to go through life as a Tigger or as an Eeyore.

-Never lose the child-like wonder. It is just too important, it is what drives us.

-It is kind of fun to do the impossible.

-Help others

-Loyalty is a two way street.

-When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.

-If you lived your life the right way the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you. 

-Tell the truth.

-Be earnest.

-Apologize when you screw up.

-Focus on others, not yourself.

-You might have to wait a long time, sometimes years, but people will show you their good side, just keep waiting, no matter how long it takes. No one is all evil, everyone has a good side, just keep waiting, it will come out. 

Happiness is...

Finding out your knees, legs, ankles, and feet, are broken-ish. Go me!

Tony just said...

There are things about Zombie armies that I just don't understand.

they are just words.

tonight
i am disappointed.

always
they are unrelenting.

future
are we disillusioned?
are we wrong?

Who is coming with me?

WHAT: Mortified LA
WHEN: Thursday, June 19, 2008
TIME: 8:00 PM
VENUE: King King
ADDRESS: 6555 Hollywood Blvd., 90028

COST: $12 adv ; $15 door

What is it?

or watch some videos here.

dancing with herself.

This is a video of a girl dancing with a video of herself at age 4. I love it for some reason.

Uh oh.

I just found out seconds ago there is actually a book called

No One Cares What You Had For Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog.

Please ignore the post below this one. :)

I am so full. Veggielicious.

T and I just ate the most gigantic sandwiches.

We went to the Pasadena Sandwich Co. and got veggie sammies. They were HUGE... did I mention that already? Seriously, they were about 4 inches tall. It was pretty delicious but it was a bit plain. The wheat bread could have been better and I should have got pepperoncinis on it instead of on the side. I got swiss cheese on mine I should have done either cheese or avocado, not both. I also got mayo. Barf. I don't think cheese, avocado and mayo should ever be used more than one at a time on a veggie only sandwich.

Who knew I could have so much to say and so many regrets about a sandwich.

Waiting for pizza is torture.

Especially when waiting for T's wheat crust pizza with the most
delicious cheese blend ever...and pepperoni. I can't help it.

Oh boy, it is here. Mmm!

Rode Rage

I has it.

a child is born

Congratulations to the Kincaid family. I got word today that their little girl Jayden was born last night. We are so happy for them!!!

Spicy HUMMUS recipe from the devil

Okay, I know I am going to take much abuse for posting a Rachel Ray recipe. I know she does terrible, tacky things. She suggests making stuffing from muffins, among other things, and this infuriates people. I just happened to need a yummy simple hummus recipe and when I noticed who the recipe was by it was too late, I was interested. For the record I didn't find the recipe on the food network website it was some other place like vegweb.com or something and I noticed her name later in the small print somewhere.

Anyway... here is the hummus...




Spicy Hummus: Quick Chickpea Spread
1 (14.5 ounce) can chickpeas (garbanzo beans), drained
2 rounded tablespoons tahini sesame paste, found in both dairy and dry specialty foods sections
A drizzle extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 teaspoon crushed pepper flakes
1 teaspoon (1/3 palm full) ground cumin
1 teaspoon (1/3 palm full) ground coriander
1 clove garlic, crushed
Coarse salt
1/2 lemon, juiced
Pita breads, grilled and cut into wedges for dipping

Combine beans, tahini, oil, pepper flakes, cumin, coriander, garlic, salt, and lemon juice in food processor bowl and grind into a smooth paste. Transfer to a small dip dish and surround spread with warm pita wedges. This recipe makes a great appetizer, or anytime snack.

I know there are millions of yummy hummus recipes and I think I will start a project. one new hummus per week. The way I eat it up (so quick) I might need to experiment with two per week. It was good, but I think it has a bit too much garlic (if that is ever possible) and not enough olive oil. I should have used some of the juice from the organic garbanzo beans instead of more oil though. Mmm.

mmm. cheese enchiladas.

I made these the other night.




I will not post the exact recipe because it is so bad and trashy. I will say the tortillas are delicious whole wheat and the enchilada sauce is Trader Joe's. I also put a bunch of cut up green chili peppers all over it before I poured the sauce on and it made it extra delicious. There is chipotle cheese from Whole Foods and some sharp cheddar and then a bunch of pre-shredded cheese in a bag. I need one of those emoticons that looks embarrassed.

I have been hypnotized by marc jacobs.

In person it looks like a scoop of wet raspberry sorbet. It is The Most Beautiful Handbag I have ever seen.

There has only been one other time in my life that I have wanted a purse so bad. Or really, dare I say, desired one at all.

It was a $1600 Prada purse that I was obsessed with and I would go to Saks to spend time with it on a weekly basis.

The weirdest difference between then and now is that if I wanted to I could totally buy this $500 purse and not even think twice about it. I still would only drool over a $1600 bag because that is just a stupid amount of money no matter how much you have. I don't think I could ever justify that I need a handbag that bad. I would guilt myself over the money that could have gone to someone needy, even a friend in need, that I overspent on a stupid accessory.

If I bought it though, I think I would get the black version, because it is more practical.

I just might buy myself a Marc Jacobs bag in the next few weeks. I can't imagine the shock everyone will be in that I own an acceptable, adult, luxury pocketbook.

I will still cuddle my beloved dark green fake leather $12 H&M bag with the zipper half attached that I have been carrying for over a year. I love it and I don't give a shit that it is cheap.

Lost in trashlation.

T is the only person I know that does this. Every time he loses
something he searches the trash. This stumps me because I always think
"how in the hell would you have accidentally thrown something like that
in the trash?" He, more often than not, is successful and finds his lost
items. WTF?

This morning it was an orange funnel, just a plain kitchen funnel he
uses to get his weird protein powder mixes into a water bottle. He
couldn't find it anywhere, I helped him look in the oddest locations,
and then he suggested it might be in the garbage. Huh? How would you
throw out a bright orange plastic funnel in error?

Anyway, that is, of course, where it was. I asked him how he thought he
did this and he said he thinks there were a variety of things on the
counter that needed to be disposed of, so he just tossed out everything
that was there. What? I guess I should make sure that nothing of
importance to me is ever in the area of anything else that needs to be
disposed of.

eating a Beard Papa's fresh strawberry cream puff is like...

devouring a newborn baby angel with fresh fruit in it's belly.

I have not died and gone to heaven. I ate heaven.

hot

Why oh why did I not get the air conditioner from F before she left the country? I am so glad I have to work today so I can be in a cool place. Our house gets just as hot as our old place. We were hoping it wouldn't.

not vegan... Pasta Sauce With Tomatoes and Spicy Italian Sausage

I was watching that Take Home Chef show yesterday and this recipe looked so good. I will not lie to you, the actual recipe involves making your own tagliatelle but I am just going to use good ol' packaged wheat pasta. I am never going to make homemade pasta. No sir. My mom used to make it from scratch when I was little. It was fun but way too hard and too much clean up and prep work for The Girl Who Boiled Chicken.

It is obviously a really easy recipe, but it just looked simple and yummy, the asparagus made it look extra tasty.

Pasta Sauce With Tomatoes and Spicy Italian Sausage

2 tablespoons/30 ml olive oil
2 large garlic cloves, minced
1/2 cup/100 ml dry white wine
6 ripe plum tomatoes (about 1 1/4 pounds/600 g), coarsely chopped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 pound/455 g spicy Italian sausages, casings removed, meat broken into bite size pieces
1 pound/455 g very thin asparagus, trimmed
¼ cup/5 g coarsely chopped fresh Italian parley

To prepare the pasta sauce:

Heat the oil in a heavy large sauce pan over medium heat. Add the garlic and sauté for 1 minute or until tender. Add the white wine and simmer for about 3 minutes or until reduced by about half.

Stir in the tomatoes and sprinkle with ¾ teaspoon of salt. Bring the mixture to a simmer. Decrease the heat to medium-low. Cover and simmer gently for about 45 minutes or until a chunky sauce forms, stirring occasionally and smashing tomatoes.

Add the sausage pieces and cook for 7 minutes. Add the asparagus spears and cook for about 5 minutes longer or until crisp-tender. Stir in the parsley. Season the sauce to taste with salt and pepper.


here is the link to the actual website and original recipe
take home chef

I think T would pass out in shock if I actually made this.

stupee

I posted while we were on the way out to the desert but it looks like it didn't show up. It was all of this crap about how I only live 2 hours away from here but how it feels a world away. I also wrote about how beautiful it is here and how I took it for granted most of my life. We are still in the desert, but we are leaving tonight. We might have sort of lied to a bunch of people and told them we are leaving in the morning because we don't want to deal with having to try and meet up with people all day. We have lots of work to do. So far we...

met with the caterer
went to the location and met with the wedding coodinator chick
went to a french bakery to try the madelines as a possible favor
went to the potential cake store to check out cake info
went to the Parker to get info on rooms and possible catered rehearsal dinner
and I tried on 3 dresses with my mom and his mom

today we need to...
review menus online and then meet with the caterer again
check out "the cake lady" whoever she is
go to the rental place and look at chairs and other furniture
get the save the date cards (postcards)
and probably 15 other things I can't remember

I almost cried yesterday. Everyone talked about the wedding for 13 straight hours and I wanted to just hide under a large object so no one could find me. :) I am really excited but it is just overwhelming and I can't believe how much money and planning is going into this one day. Luckily it isn't my money so I don't have to stress out about that, too. It is all taken care of, it is just the details I have to work out. I will consider the wedding as my payment for all of this damn planning and coordinating I am doing.