Do not believe me.

If I try to convince you that I am not a bridezilla... do not believe
me.

Guess who's back?

I am back to work and things are good, despite the ups and downs that
always happen.

I have been able to spend time with my Tony and I needed to do that. We
have both been exhausted the last few days, him from jet lag and me from
everything.

I got to go back to work and get in the groove again.

We got several major wedding related things done. There are still MANY
major things to handle, but things are very slowly falling into place.
My 2 bridal showers and my one bachelorette party are being planned by
my amazing besties.

We went and saw The Dark Knight with friend's we don't see very often
anymore.

I finally did laundry after a month.

We went to our friend's baby's first birthday last night and we have
another friend's kid's birthday party tomorrow night.

I think I might go take a bath for the first time in months.

We are really looking forward to our little Santa Barbara vacation this
weekend.

I am a little sad I didn't write the last few days, but I just couldn't.
My head was too cloudy and I was too upset and overwhelmed to care about
blogging. If I would have posted t would have been super emo and/or
annoying and whiny anyway.

Verdict. People vs. Leland Wong.

Count 1 guilty
Count 2 guilty
Count 3 guilty
Count 4 guilty
Count 5 guilty
Count 6 guilty
Count 7 not guilty
Count 8 guilty
Count 9 guilty
Count 10 guilty
Count 11 guilty
Count 12 guilty
Count 13 not guilty
Count 14 not guilty
Count 15 not guilty
Count 16 not guilty
Count 17 not guilty
Count 18 guilty
Count 19 guilty
Count 20 guilty
Count 21 not guilty

What the counts were...
1 bribery
2-3 conflict of interests
4 perjury
5-17 theft by embezzlement
18-20 filing a false tax return
21 conflict of interests

This was very emotional and I don't know if I will be able to write
about the details anytime soon. I might write everything out but there
is part of me that just doesn't even want to talk about it. I have done
a lot of crying today and this does not feel good at all. It feels very
raw and surreal right now and just sickening. I am wondering if I will
ever be able to shake this feeling or if it will always feel this way.

I know we did the right thing, I just wish it didn't have to be this
way. I will think about Mr. Wong's son Jonathan for the rest of my life.
Seeing his reaction to the verdict tore out my heart and I feel like
part of me was left back there in that courtroom. My stomach still feels
like it is in my throat.

Sentencing is September 25, 2008.

I was going to try and go but now I am not sure if I can do it.

I won't ever forget that I was Juror number 8.

Shhh.

TT! Why you gotta tell everyone about my own private Idaho?

No, silly. I don't want you to be gone. Even though you are saying that
I do.

I do not have any idea as to why our most special kitty has dreads. I
didn't do anything weird to her. Since she doesn't let me touch her back
ever (under threat of amputation) I thought it was normal. Now you are
going to tease (no pun intended) me about it forever.

Oh, and, you said you were going to bed so I could watch whatever I want
but you wouldn't let me watch Project Runway. You haven't gone to bed
still and it has been a long time and I am being forced to watch various
forms of news programming which will not be shocking to anyone. Hmph.

Come on TT, let's go get our sleep sleeps.

Unwinding

Tony is home. The knot in my stomach is slowly disappearing. Back to
regulary scheduled programming.

the attorneys must be tired.

prosecution rested. 

defense rested. 

next stage began today. 

closing arguments. 

then we deliberate. 

then we come up with a verdict. 

then I am done. 

The sick part? I am really going to miss spending time with some of the other jurors. There are lots of really great, nice, intelligent, interesting people on our jury. There are a few that I really enjoy hanging out with and in fact one of them has really given me some great advice and perspective on life. I am trying to work up the courage to ask one of them to keep in touch with me. You never know who is going to walk into your life, or why they are there, but sometimes you know certain things are happening for a reason. 

one more sleep.

this is it. only one more night. 

stinker face

This post on www.dooce.com (one of my favorite blogs) reminds me of Clementine's smelly face cream. I came over one day and Clementine's significant other said "Come here and smell Clem's face! Tell her it stinks!" I was like, "Huh? What is happening here?" and then I was forced to smell her cheek and OMG her stunningly beautiful face smelled like a junk yard. An extra stinky junk yard. 

So the funniest part about it is that we gave her so much shit, and we were both so horrified that she would wear this yucky (although expensive) substance on her face, that I went and bought her a new face cream as a little prezzie. The one I bought her was a bad batch (which happens with Lush products, although very rarely) and I ended up gifting her an even MORE smelly cream on accident. Oops. Sorry Clemmykins. You are destined to be a stinker face. 

looking back at craptastic July

I am looking through my posts from July, dude this has been such a sucky month! I knew it would be with so many things going on, I have just been bracing myself to get through it. Only 2 more weeks of trial and I can actually have 2 days off per week and not be stretching myself so thin, and Tony will be home from tour and I can really get some serious planning done for the wedding.

Thank goodness it is almost over. In retrospect is isn't the worst time I have ever had but it has just been so stressful at every turn and everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. There have been so many crazy things to deal with and it didn't help that one of my 2 best girlfriends in LA moved away and Tony is gone along with everything else. 

It has been so emotional and poopy. I was going to write a list of the 87 shitty stressful things that have happened but instead I will think positive and try to put it all behind me. The good part is that the month FLEW by. You know when something seems like it is forever but at the same time is is gone before you know it? Thank goodness it is almost over. 

Yes, I do have perspective I realize that everything I have dealt with this month is not life or death and I do know that I am still really lucky to live the spoiled life I live, but that doesn't mean I can't call a really stressful time what it was. As long as everyone I love is healthy and generally happy, I am grateful and I never lose that reality. Trust me, I know things can be worse, much worse. I would take this stress any day over things my loved ones have had to deal with recently.

The good news is that Tony and I are smarty pants and we planned a vacation for August 2-4 because we knew he would be home from tour and I would be done with the trial and the overall stressful month and it would be a good reward. We are staying here in Santa Barbara:

How amazing does this look? Oh boy, I can't wait!

wedding flowers

We have been having lots of trouble getting actual ideas for our wedding. We know the outline of what we want but when it comes to actual colors or decor or flowers, etc., we don't have anything nailed down yet and we are only 3 months away!

The only thing we have really wanted from the beginning are orchids. We got engaged in Maui and they use SO many orchids there, and we both love them, so we thought it would be a good flower idea. I have been at a loss as to any ideas for my bouquet using orchids because I really haven't seen anything I liked. I think I found something! I really like the idea of using succulents in our table centerpieces and my bouquet, etc. It might sound a bit odd, but check out these pictures... I love this look! Especially since we are getting married in the desert at a botanical garden/nature preserve.

message from the cat

Amber wants me to tell the world that SHE LOVES BACON.

DUH.

So I just figured out why I have been a total psycho and feeling physically ill and awful for the last week. 

PMS. 

For a few days every month for about 20 years now I start to feel extra fat (even when I only weighed 95lbs) and I am extra emotional and start crying out of nowhere and I get severe headaches and nausea and bad stomach issues. Yet, every time I start my period I am shocked as if it came out of nowhere and was a total surprise and then I say to myself "Ohhh! That is why I was feeling this way!" Why do I never connect it? It is really bizarre. I suppose I should keep a calendar and maybe I will be expecting it from now on. 

not a pretty sight

This morning I went to work at 7:30am with a migraine. I left at around 11am. If I was not nauseous and barfy I could have worked through the pain. 

While I was at work Tony called me from backstage at the festival in Belgium, he just got off stage playing and had a great time and a good show. He said he cut himself open pretty bad but he didn't seem to be too concerned about it. He did say he was wondering if it was bad enough to need stitches.  I could hear his brother and Lora in the background saying hello to me. When he first called I burst into tears. I have been having a much harder time than I thought I would.

I came home and fed Amber a can of tuna since I realized she had no food and then I slept (or tried) until around 3pm. I had all kinds of weird bad nightmares while I faded in and out of sleep. Then I sat up and stared at the tv for about 3 hours. 

I finally pulled myself off of the couch to go to the grocery store in the shirt I had been napping and sweating in for 3 hours and some baggy jeans. Fantastic. I rented 2 movies and then went to an ice cream store next to the grocery store and got a soft serve thing mixed with reese's. Finally made it in the grocery store and bought 18 cans of cat food and a refrigerated pizza to cook for dinner. At last I didn't get a frozen one, right?

Today, I was not a pretty sight. This is so depressing for some reason. What in the hell is wrong with me?

:(

i don't like today. it was a crap day. i did nothing of value and had a headache.

:( 

where is my tt?

blah.

I don't think Tony and I have gone a day without talking since he went to Mexico once and had no cell reception. Other than that we haven't gone a day without speaking in maybe 3 or 4 years. He left me a message while I was in court. I saved it so I can listen to it if I start to get really sad. 

I feel a little lost. Like I don't know what to do. I know it sounds pathetic. Whatever, when your fiance goes to Europe to play a show 3 months before your wedding, without you, you can then tell me I am being a little bitch about it. :)

Next time I will go, I just couldn't deal with it right now. Too much to handle at home.

I am not devastated or totally depressed, just feel a bit lonely and bored. 

wedding website

http://www.tornaywedding.blogspot.com

public info

Sometimes I want to post things and I can't because I don't want to post things about certain feelings/friends because I don't want to:

1. post things that will end up on fan websites (like amazing pictures of Clemmy wearing a veil while I was trying on wedding dresses)

2. post things that reveal things about people close to me (such as relationships and/or embarrassing things) that they consider private to the world like things with C/M/R or T

3. post things that hurt people's feelings but that I really want to vent about

4. post things that are personal to me that I feel self-conscious about and don't want mocked or used against me

I wish I could blog a little more freely. Now I understand how Clementine feels about posting every day life things and personal things, it is hard to find the balance of letting people in and still keeping them at a distance and not revealing too much. I want to write about the most important people to me which are C, T and R and yet most things I want to write about fall into the above categories. What is a girl to do? 

I always assume that no one gives a shit about C's private life but when I see pages and pages and threads 60 pages long on weird fan websites, and little avatar pictures of her it kind of freaks me out and reminds me that I have to be a little careful sometimes. 

See I have written out about 6 sentences that I erased because I think maybe some things shouldn't be said. I am not under any illusions that certain peeps are more famous than they actually are, but I suppose it is like obscure bands, they have a rabid following even if it isn't many people. Except no one usually picks apart details of obscure band members like they do with actors. 

Okay, I am going to go read tmz now. Oops. Haha.

goodbye

Tony is at the airport, I just dropped him off, he is flying out of LAX at 9:45pm to NYC and then leaving tomorrow night to Belgium and then traveling Amsterdam. I am so jealous! He is going to play the Dour festival. 

Packing

I hate packing, luckily I have it down to an art. I had to pack tonight
but I don't get to go anywhere. No fair!

T is all ready to go. I take him to the airport tomorrow night. I will
be so busy that I won't have much time to sit around and be bored and
lonely. I will miss him a lot though. I am so used to being with him all
of the time and not being able to really talk to him will be weird.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. :(

why oh why?

How come Minute Maid "cranberry juice" is one hundred thousand times better than any other cranberry juice?

legally restricted from using manners

So an odd thing happens when you are a juror. You are ordered by the judge to not speak with ANYONE related to the case (witnesses, attorneys, etc.) which creates many awkward situations throughout the day.

People hold doors for each other since there are usually large amounts of people entering/exiting the courtroom at one time. You have to hold back from saying thank you. Or the person holding the door (unless it is a juror) will look at you as if to say NooOOOOO!!!!! and put their hand out towards in a stop gesture to indicate that you should NOT TALK TO THEM. Okay, I get it, we aren't supposed to talk to anyone about the case. Does it really need to go as far as this? When I bump into one of the lawyers and knock her purse off of her arm and she drops things it is hard to not say excuse me, or sorry, it just feels odd. However, regardless of my opinion on the matter, I am not allowed to say a word. So I just make an "Oops!" face and move along.

We are usually all gathered in the hallway together in the morning, including the family of the defendant, and it is weird to feel like you should avoid being near them. Should I? I mean, I can stand wherever I want, right? Why should I feel odd standing near someone? I suppose it is just the fear of hearing something I wasn't intended to hear and not wanting to break any rules on accident.

Going to work now. It would be nice if jury duty was my job right now and I didn't have to go to work on the days we don't have jury duty. I return to the courthouse Monday at 9am.

Seriously.

I love La Pequena.

food poisoning

I am pretty sure I have food poisoning. I feel ill. I feel like I have a
fever and I have other unpleasant things happening. I called Tony's dad
(he is a doctor) and he said I probably have a food borne illness. This
is such bad timing. Fuck.

booooooring.

Oh my. Today was so boring and I was so tired that I am falling asleep trying to type this.

It is kind of nice being off "work" by 5 on the nights where I don't drive to the store after jury duty. The thing is, I am so sleepy by the time I get home that I waste the whole day anyway because I can't stay awake, or if I can I just can't do anything but lay there. I have tried sugar and caffeine and it doesn't work.

I am going to lay down.

Good and Bad

Good = got a wedding dress today
Bad = feeling sick like I might be getting the flu

Drained

I have been so busy with extreme pressure at work, the trial, the wedding, and social engagements, that I feel generally overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. The heat is sucking the remaining life from me and I can barely keep my eyes open throughout the day. I fell asleep at 7pm and woke up at 9pm and I am struggling to stay awake now.

I have so many things to do in the next month that I am just kind of shutting down because I can't really comprehend the extent and number of my responsibilities.

Maybe I am not even making sense right now, I am having a hard time finding the right words.

I also feel a little anti-social just because I am so scattered and I can't really function enough to even want to talk to anyone about anything.

I am for sure feeling the stress of some of my friend's issues such as relationship troubles, or their stresses regarding their major life changes or events.

I know that it is just a crazy time, I am bracing myself and trying to just get through every day, one by one. After the 12th I will feel much better because one major stress factor will be eliminated. Except for Tony leaves for tour on the 15th and that is going to be hard.

I'm okay, I am doing good at not stressing out and realizing that some things are out of my control. However, I would be a robot if I didn't feel the pressure of everything, and we all know... imnotarobotgirl.

Happy 4th of July!

We went out to Venice beach today/tonight for a friend's party and fireworks. It was fun. Cops fucking suck. Lora yelled at them for driving really fast on the beach at night in the dark when there were a shitload of kids around. The chick cop was flipping out on her asking her "did you see me kill a child?" and telling her that they were responding to a call, blah blah blah. There was a second there I thought they might cuff her. It was so lame. The story is better and longer but I am tired and can't write anymore.

room with a view. and a buzzer.

So today we got to use the jury room for the first time. It is a little room with 16 chairs and a HUGE table and a couch that sits 3 people. It actually has a really cool view of downtown LA. We have a really tiny fridge and a microwave. There is also a bathroom. Oh boy. The excitement. Haha. There are 2 clocks in the room and both of them are off about 5 hours.

The way it works is we all gather there, in the room, after every break. We have a morning break, afternoon break and lunch and sometimes another extra break if any of the lawyers need extra time for something. When all 18 jurors (there are 6 alternates) are in the room we hit a buzzer one time. When the judge is ready for us he hits the buzzer twice and we come out. One sucky thing about the room, is that once you go in you can't come out for any reason until you get the 2 buzzes.

Waiting for court to start

This is so hard for people with no patience. The only thing I could
compare this lengthy, neverending boredom to is an international flight.
Except it is more uncomfortable, emotionally and physically, and when
you get out you aren't rewarded with Paris or Tokyo or a beautiful
tropical paradise. You are in dingy, dirty, nasty, crime ridden downtown
Los Angeles.

My elevator ride to the 9th floor was notably awkward. I found myself
alone with the defense attorneys, the defendant and his wife and son. We
all looked down, everyone stayed silent and it almost felt like everyone
held their breath the whole way up. I just kept thinking, my vote could
cause this man to be in prison forever.

random fun facts about the building my trial is in and jury duty.

Judge Lance Ito hears felony criminal cases there. Remember him? He was the judge on OJ's trial.

It is the home of the Los Angeles County District Attorney and the Los Angeles County Public Defender.

The cafeteria serves Jell-O and they even have a red, white, and blue striped slab of it. With whipped cream. I would love to take a photo of the amazing huge display of jiggly gelatin in little styrofoam bowls. Maybe if I get bored enough or disgruntled enough I will.

In Los Angeles (the biggest court system in the US)...

8,000-10,000 jurors a day serve on a trial.

They call 2.68 million people to jury duty a year and almost a million people actually sit on a trial.

That is all for now. I will blog from court on a break. They have picked the jury and are now picking the 5 alternates.

my new home... and the woman behind it.

The Clara Shortridge Foltz Criminal Justice Center is where I am serving my time. It was called the Criminal Courts Building until it was renamed in 2002 after Clara S. Foltz (1849-1934).

Who is she? I go this info from wikipedia:

...after being denied admission to Hastings College of the Law because of her gender, she sued, argued her own case, and won admission. She passed the bar exam in 1878, but California law at the time allowed only white males to become members of the bar. Foltz authored a state bill which replaced "white male" with "person," and in September 1878, she was the first woman admitted to the California bar. She later also became licensed to practice law in New York.

At the Chicago World’s Fair in 1893, during a "congress" of the Board of Lady Managers, Foltz introduced her idea of the public defender, with a speech entitled "Rights of Persons Accused of Crime--Abuses Now Existing." Foltz's then-radical concept of providing assistance to indigent criminal defendants is used today throughout the United States. She also created a similar model for the California Parole System.

Not satisfied with becoming a hometown attorney, Foltz became a leader in the woman’s voting rights movement. During a career that spanned 56 years, Clara almost single-handedly pushed a great deal of progressive legislation for women’s rights in the voting and legal fields.

Her many other trail-blazing accomplishments included becoming the first female clerk for the State Judiciary Committee; the first woman appointed to the State Board of Corrections; the first female licensed Notary Public; the first woman named director of a major bank; and, in 1930, the first woman to run for Governor of California, at the age of eighty-one.

In 1910, she was appointed to the Los Angeles District Attorney's Office, becoming the first female deputy district attorney in the United States. She was active in the suffrage movement, authoring the Women's Vote Amendment for California in 1911. Foltz also raised five children, mostly as a single mother, and encouraged women not to overlook their traditional domestic roles.

Wow. Go Clara!

Number 8

I am now a juror in a 5 week criminal trial.

I will be blogging from the courthouse probably. Not about the trial
since I am not allowed to discuss it.

the challenge.

30 in 30.

30 blog entries in 30 days.

me and C dog. OH BOY THAT IS THE BEST NICKNAME EVER!!! C DOG. WHAT UP C DOG?

okay, it is too early for blogging, it is obviously getting reckless. I am going to put down the blog now and back away slowly...