Announcement...

Tony,

If they do that to your face and make it so hurty, maybe Jesus doesn't want you to have it.

Thank you Sir.

Love,

Melissa

30 in 30

I miss blogging every single day. I am going to try and do that again.

Tony is busy.

He is dealing with potatoes and Clementine.

HELP!!!

See this post...

http://ttgopp.blogspot.com/2008/08/ultimate-power.html

twist it on out.

I want all of my disfunctional parental figures and Tony's parents to do
the twist together on the dance floor after my father daughter dance at
our wedding.

Why? Because I will find it funny.

I will also need cheering up after my father daughter dance. That moment
is pretty much going to crush my bitter fucking soul into a tiny crying
ball of pink glitter and cotton candy and I will not be able to recover
from it without an immediate happy dance.

I am already anticipating the moment where everyone is looking at me and
my Dad dancing knowing that we have no relationship and that we used to
be inseparable and it is going to be such a bummer that it might just
destroy my whole mood if I let it. It is such a depressing subject I
can't ever let myself really think about it. In fact I have thought
about it too much already. I have been crying off and on for about an
hour and I need to just push it all back down.

I do not do well on the subject of my Dad. If only I didn't love him so
much for so long this would be easier. I often wonder if it would have
been easier to not have ever had him at all. Having a full on 100% Dad
for 18 years and then none at all is so odd and upsetting I can't even
begin to describe it. I don't want to turn 36 because that will be the
point that I have been without a Dad for longer than I had one.

I always want to feel like I had one for longer than I didn't. If that
makes sense...

Oh well, I have 5 more years to worry about that. Maybe something will
change.

lucky

I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have had so many amazing people in my life. I could have written a similar letter (like the Clementine one) to maybe 30 people in my life. I know people that don't really have many friends, or they have only had one or two really close friends in their lives. I have had so many. Even the friendships I have had that ended in betrayal or anger were really fantastic at one point, I learned things about myself and had a ton of fun. At any given point I usually have about 2-4 best friends and 20 really super close friends and about 50 good friends and hundreds of other friends I see on a yearly basis. Most of my friends have the same situation. We are all so lucky. I am so grateful. 

Moving to LA was so hard for me, for many reasons. I don't think I could have stayed here if it wasn't for Reagan, she really helped me through so many things. I really needed that. Later in the game came Clementine. She was significant because she is one of the only people in LA that I made friends with on my own and not through somebody else. 

How do I meet so many people that end up being like family to me? It is so crazy. Sometimes it seems like people are in place so that I can end up knowing them. Maybe I am just overly sentimental and I read into my friendships too much. I don't know. I just know that I can't imagine going through this life without these people around me. 

I have had a best friend since I was 5 years old. Her name is Karen and we have nothing in common. Well, nothing on the surface, but we think alike and we have similar personalities, they just come out in very different ways. When I am insecure, I become a bitch, she becomes really sweet and tries to make nice with people so she can feel better. I push people away or get bitter and negative. She is, besides my sister, the absolute kindest person I have ever known in my life. She is so sweet and giving and loving and really accepts anyone for who they are.  She doesn't judge what you wear or anything superficial, she doesn't care about those things. She never picks at negative things, she always pushes the positive. She is loving and understanding and I don't even think I could write about her because it would take me 3 years to write a post that would capture our relationship and how I feel about her. 

Most people don't even know about her. We haven't lived in the same town since I was  10 or 11 but we talk weekly, sometimes daily. When she was pregnant with her first child we talked literally every single day of her pregnancy, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. She says I was like her spouse during that time, I am so glad and honored I could be there for her when she was alone. I know how devastating that was for her. The story ended up like a fairytale, she eventually married the dad who turned into the most amazing husband and father, ever, and they now have another child and have been very happily married for over 10 years. 

clem likes food

glorious clementine

Clementine

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

I think you are one of my true soulmates in life. I have only met 2 other people in my life that I can think of that I felt like this about. My friend Karen that I have known since I was 5, and Tony. The second I saw you, I said to myself "she is going to be my best friend" and I know I have told this story a thousand times, but that is because it was so amazing. So shocking. I felt creepy. I thought, "uh, why did that just pop into my head, weird..."

I felt like I knew the moment I saw you that we were meant to be connected. Now this doesn't mean that the other people I love so very much aren't just as important as you are to me, I just feel this other-worldy connection to you. Like we have know each other since before we both existed and we will know each other for many years after we are gone.

There have been times I wish I didn't feel this way about you. There were moments when I even said to Tony, "Damn, I wish I wasn't permanently attached to her." I have always felt that there is no going back. We are stuck with each other for ever, for better and for worse.

I almost lost you once. You were slipping away and I had to walk off and leave you and hope that you would come back. I had to leave you laying on the floor because I couldn't watch you struggle and suffocate yourself anymore. It was too hard. I really thought you were as good as gone and staying and watching was too much. Then, you came back to us, to all of us. I have cried so many times just thanking the universe for that.

I am still afraid it will happen again. I don't think everyone knows how close we came to losing you. I knew, I felt our connection slipping away... sliding off the cliff. We were holding hands and I felt one finger let go and another and the grip was getting loose and our hands were sweating and at the very last second we grabbed on to each other and you were safe. If there is a next time, I will fight for you and I will not allow it to happen. No way, no how. I will not let you get that far away from who you are. I won't just say "She is doing her own thing, I can't help her anymore." Nope. Sorry. I know better now.

When you hurt, I hurt, it kills me. It is like when your sister hurts, you want to kill someone and cry and take away all of her pain at the same time. Then you kind of want to punch her for making stupid mistakes.

I love how you walk in a room and people can't help but stare and smile. Your presence is like sunshine. There is something just so fresh and bright and innocent and childlike about you. Something that draws people to you. I think you would have that same quality even if you weren't as shockingly beautiful as you are.

I love how almost every interaction with you leaves me feeling better about who I am. I wish I could see myself the way you see me. I used to not believe that you could really think so many good things about me. You finally got me to believe it.

When I think of you, when your name is said or when it pops into my head, I think of you laughing and smiling. Isn't that lovely?

I would say I love you like a sister, but with a sister there are no choices, you are stuck with what you get. Even though I think we were always meant to know each other, there is a clear choice we have made.

You are family to me. Chosen family, hand-picked. I love you.

Open Letter. You know who you are...

Dear Monkey-Muffin,

I am so glad that you are getting the chance to do this. I know it is really hard for you, it would be really hard for anyone. I don't want you to shove it all down anymore. You are allowed to have feelings. You are not weak because you hurt.

It is hard to see you go through this, it was hard to see you sink into a depression and not be able to help you. I love you so very much and I want you to be able to be happy and to smile without a lingering sadness behind it.

I knew that your Mom was going to die, even though it was hard to believe, and I was terrified of it for so long because I didn't know what was going to happen to you when she was actually gone. Then it happened and I was terrified because you didn't freak out, you didn't lose your mind. I knew it was all inside of you, being shoved down over and over again.

I know you were scared that if you quit running, it would take hold of you, and, you would never be able to function again. I think you even said once that you were afraid that if you let yourself feel just a tiny bit, if you opened up that door, you would fall on the floor and be a total pile and never get up again. Well, guess what? You quit running, you are looking it in the face and you are still here, you are still okay. I know you are sad, confused, angry, scared, lonely and probably a bit bored, but you are still breathing, still functioning and you will be fine. I promise.

Look at what you are doing! You left the safety of everything behind. You quit running, you quit shoving it all down.

Yes, I will admit, I am a little scared for you, I don't want you to have to deal with it. I don't want you to have to feel the intense pain you are feeling, but, I see a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow buddy. I really do. I see you really letting go of some things, really reflecting on who you are, who you want to be, who you can be. You are so amazing, I wish you could give yourself what you have given me over the last few years.

I want to know who you are at your very core. When I met you, your Mom was dying. I have never known you without that burden. I wonder which parts of you are different because of that, I wonder if none are different.

If I could give you anything it would be total serenity. I would take that shiny little serenity, place it on a little fluffy chunk of organic cotton, and put it in a small wooden box with pretty gold hinges. I would show up, unexpected, and present it to you with both hands, with my head bowed down, with tears of happiness streaming down my face. Oh, my friend, if only I could give you that. If only.

Love,
Breakfast Sandwich

Sneezy McSneezerson

I have been sneezing non-stop for about 4 hours now. Tony must have
gotten sick of saying "bless you!" because he finally said "Bless you
for eternity... for the rest of the night" which technically doesn't
make sense but I think you know what he meant. :)

Sidenote- I have sneezed 3 times while writing this.

Excuses, excuses.

I have been sick and busy so I haven't written in a while. I am taking a
medication called Levaquin, it is so harsh. It makes me dizzy and makes
me throw up I am very drowsy except for when I actually try to go to bed
and then I can't sleep. Plus I wake up coughing all night long. I just
ate a magic honey stick so hopefully I will be able to sleep. Tomorrow
is my last day of meds, after that I will never take it again.

Got some possible bad news about 2 friends. Both medical issues that are
very scary

On a positive note... Quitiquit's dad was released from prison with all
charges dropped after going through being accused of murder (of his
wife) and being held for several years. We went and saw him in court
once and they wouldn't even let Quitiquit say hi to him. It was such a
bummer. He is moving to LA now, that should be interesting.