Eulogy to a cat.

Amber,

My sweet baby. I miss you so much it physically hurts. My stomach feels like an empty pit, my heart aches, my eyes are burning and swollen, I am a complete and total mess. There are moments that I feel like it's going to be okay, and where I am just grateful for having been part of your life, and then there are moments like this. Heart-wrenching sickening sadness. Desperation. Panic. Guilt. Could we have done anything? Were you in pain and couldn't tell us? I am sorry if you were hurting. I never thought losing a pet could feel like this. I always feared that it would be excruciating, but I never imagined it would feel like this. I just don't want it to be true. I feel a panic, a desperate panic that I need you back. I miss you so much. I didn't want it to end. I thought we had a few more years with you, and even then I wished for more.

You made us feel like a family. Without you we are just two married people. It doesn't feel like a household, like a family. It feels empty. I hate being here. Hate it, but then I hate not being here. All I want to do all day is come home and be here, where you used to be, but then I get here and want to leave. I am already worried that when we move someday it will feel like we are leaving you behind. I know that we can take your ashes in a box and we can take our love for you in our hearts, but nothing will change the fact that we moved here with you and will leave without you someday.

I miss mornings and nights where we would all lay in bed together. We were grateful and knew how special that time was, even while it was happening. The last few years we started to face that you wouldn't be around forever. Instead of getting frustrated or annoyed when you were being bothersome, we would stop and say that we know that someday you wouldn't be here and we would wish you were here to wake us up at 5am. I am so glad that we knew that and that we spent so much time loving you. We used to joke that your Daddy's part-time job was petting you. He loved you more that I have ever seen a man love anything. You weren't just a cat to us. You were our baby, you were the focus of our household. We would be out with friends or on vacation and your Daddy would say, "I wonder what Amber is doing right now?" I started to not want to go out of town because leaving you would make me so sad that I felt like I didn't want to do it very often as long as you were still here. Maybe I knew, we knew, that we were getting to the end of the road. We knew that our time with you was slipping away. Your Daddy used to comment on how gray your little paws were getting and I would tell him to not say that because I didn't want to think about you getting older.

I miss that you aren't on the bed when I get home. I want to walk into the bedroom and see you curled up and say, "Hi Miss Kitty!" and have you meow back in response. I used to kiss you on your little head. Constantly. You probably hated it but you let me do it. I miss you hopping up into bed at night when your Daddy called you. I miss the morning times when you'd come in and meow that you were hungry and we'd feed you and then you'd come back and jump up on us and harass us to pet you. You didn't take no for an answer. You'd take one little paw and tap our faces or arms with it until we paid attention to you. It was the cutest thing. If I tried to hide my head or turn away you learned to touch my arm with your wet little kitty nose and it would drive me crazy and I'd finally give in. I miss how you would sit on our heads, chests, anywhere on top of us in the mornings. It was so funny and we'd always crack up. I hate that I can close the bedroom door now. I never could do that before because within 5 minutes you'd want in or out. I miss that your Daddy and I would playfully "fight" over you, both of us trying to get your attention and seeing who would win. It was him most of the time, you loved your Daddy more than me, that was no question. It's okay, I understood and thought it was so special the way you two were together.

Thank you for teaching me a tiny bit of what I will need someday to be a Mommy. No matter how sick I was, how tired, how much pain I was in, how stressed out or irritable I was, I would get up to take care of you, I'd feed you and pet you and do whatever you needed. Sometimes it was hard to love you. You were temperamental and would hiss or swat at me for no reason and it would really hurt my feelings. It taught me to love unconditionally. I loved you more that I thought was possible to love a pet. I wonder how I will ever get over this loss. I know I will, but I also know that because you were so special to us we will always have a little kitty shaped hole in our hearts. You gave us such comfort when life was tough, you would curl up with us and then everything seemed okay.

I can't stop crying. We are supposed to pick up your ashes today. I hate it. When I found you all I could say was "my sweet baby, no no no no, my sweet baby" over and over. That is all that runs through my head. All day. My sweet baby.

I don't want to say goodbye to you, I am not ready, not even close to ready, but you are already gone. My sweet baby. I love you.

2010

Yay it's 2010!!! Happy 2010! Yay! What?... I am a bit late you say? Hmm. I thought it was never too late!

Blog.

Glad today is almost gone.

Take chances.

Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.

Goodnight.

Blogging about blogging

Sometimes I hate blogging because 99% of the things I want to blog about I can't. It will offend or hurt someone.

I also don't want to ever write about having a hard time in life when I am because I don't want people I don't know very well or that I haven't kept in regular touch with to see that my life isn't perfect. Of course no one's life is perfect, everyone struggles, even those with fame, success, money and everything they ever wanted. Everyone struggles, but we all try to hide it and keep it from each other. It is a big game and sometimes I don't want to play it, but I do. See, I am already wanting to say DON'T GET ME WRONG, MY LIFE IS AWESOME AND I AM HAPPY. Which is true, but I have dark moments, I have hard moments, I would be lying if I tried to pretend I don't.

I do have some real problems.

However, most of my problems now are "princess problems", I recently heard that term described and it helps me to put my problems in perspective. It pretty much means that I have problems such as not being able to go out of town on the weekend that I wanted to, or that I can't get the exact car I want, which is different from the problems I used to have a lot of such as being able to stay clean and pay my rent and not get any utilities shut off and not kill myself or OD or go to jail.

I do have real problems though. Some days I am depressed, some days I struggle with my weight gain and how shitty and gross it makes me feel. Some days I have really bad anxiety.

I also don't like to talk about that stuff because I would just rather focus on being positive and happy and trying to put those problems in perspective. Feeling fat and sad for 2 days every 3 weeks is different than feeling suicidal every day, etc.

It is hard to realize that life will never be perfect, we will never be satisfied, but then again, would we want to be satisfied? What would you do if you woke up and everything was easy and perfect? It would be great for a while, but I would like to think that eventually I would want to be challenged. I would want to feel alive and inspired and I would want to always have another goal to achieve. I don't know how to end this and I am hot and tired and out of thoughts so I am going to stop here as opposed to erasing half of it.

The Challenge

So Tony and I have decided to take part in a challenge with each other to blog at least 30 posts in 30 days. We must blog at least once every day. It is something Clementine and I did a while back to force ourselves to blog regularly.

Wish me luck!

Thinking of starting a whole new blog. I will decide that tonight. For now this is going to have to count as my first post.

Honeymoon trip photos

I have about half of the photos up of our trip.

Click here!

photo shoot time!

In the last hour Tony has left me in 3 uncomfortable situations.

1. In the car, fine, but he took the keys, and then as he walked away
he set the alarm. So I was stuck in the car with the alarm set and I
thought "I'll just call him" and then I looked down and saw that he
left his phone in the car.

2. A short while later he left me in the car, and walked away, with
his door slightly ajar which made an irritating repetitive dinging
sound. Fantastic.

3. Last, but not least, he got out of the car and took the keys,
again, and left the entire back of the Explorer open and his window
open and I was freezing cold!

Jerkface!

Honeymoon trip!

I want to do the 30 in 30 again (post every day for 30 days) to get me back into it again but I am leaving for 3 weeks so it is not the best time.

We are going to the desert to go to Coachella (maybe) but either way we are going to the desert Thursday night through Sunday night. Then Monday we will be back in LA packing and getting ready and then we leave Tuesday on Air Tahiti for French Polynesia.

We get into Tahiti and stay one night at the InterContinental...

Then we go to the island of Moorea by ferry (a 30 minute breathtaking ride) and we check in to the Hilton Moorea Lagoon resort and Spa. Here are some pics of it...We stay in Moorea for 9 days and then take the ferry back to Papeete, Tahiti, and fly back to LAX airport. We arrive in LA around 9am the next day (it's an 8 hour flight) and leave 4 hours later from LAX to Salt Lake City and grab our rental car and continue on to Tony's parent's house in Park City, Utah. We then stay there relaxing, going to dinner, playing in the snow if there is any, etc., maybe snowboarding, for 5 days, and then fly back to LA.

I then have one more day off in LA to get situated and then I go back to work.

So excited.

Shhh.

It is so hard to keep my secret a secret! I can't wait to be able to talk about it.

and I thought I was sensitive.

I don't mince words well and I am quite sick of treating everyone so carefully. I guess the truth hurts. I am as diplomatic as possible, and yet I still feel like everyone is about to walk away pissed or burst into tears half the time. I practically cuddle people for making mistakes and yet they are still defensive and hurt and blah blah blah. Grow a fucking spine, don't fuck up if you don't want to face that you fucked up. If you dislike your current situation, do something about it. If you don't want someone to be blunt (even in a kind way), I am probably not the friend for you. I know how hard the truth is to hear and to feel, I am very honest with myself and it isn't always easy.

I wonder how many people will take this to be about them...?

???

How can I get in the habit of writing in this again?

DEFCON 1

DO NOT WANT.

I have a fear of DEFCON 1. What an odd fear. When i think about it I want to cry. Tony thinks it is funny that I am scared of it. He won't talk to me when I want to discuss how scared I am about it ever happening.

We are so lucky to live in a country that we feel generally safe most of the time.

:)

Life is good, and getting better. I am looking forward to what the future holds. It is scary to say that, I feel like life will slap me in the face the second I try to be optimistic. I am trying to write but my husband is badgering me about something. As per usual. I wouldn't have it any other way. Haha.

Please

I want a fucking cupcake. :)

I said please!

hi there.

wedding centerpieces

This

is not good.

Not good at all.

How is it possible?

How it is that my husband can be the most selfish person on earth and yet also be so selfless and giving and generous?

If he pours wine, he bends over to see the line of liquid and ALWAYS grabs the one that is a centimeter higher than the others. He just told me that when he was a kid he would buy things for people that he wanted so he could use them. He is so selfish when it comes to little things like that. When he plates dinner he gives himself way more than others. If we order something to share he digs in like there is no tomorrow but if I have 3 bites he whines that I am eating it ALL.

Do not ever share animal style fries from In-N-Out with him.

He just asked me if we could take a chunk of wedding gift money and split it so we can each buy something for ourselves. Which isn't a bad idea, and I think we should do it. Not a HUGE amount, like maybe $500. The thing is, I totally busted him, I know he only wants to do that because he wants an expensive jacket he has been looking at. He told me I was right and that is why he wants to do it. At least he admitted it. Then I told him he was selfish and he told me to blog about it. I think he just wants me to blog more. So here it is.

oh! what a relief it is.

112.

That is the number of clothing items I just threw out. Not counting the undergarments I threw in the trash. I still have an insane amount of clothing and I am still going to throw out more, but not tonight. I still have to go through another big laundry basket of stuff and my shoes.

This means I can BUY MORE STUFF. Right?

Besides my husband, cat, friends and family... I LOVE...

reality TV
vacations
ghost huntings shows and websites
reading
true crime books/shows
being outside
animals except for one VERY bad one
being in tropical locations
taking baths/showers
finding clothes that fit and that are made well
comfortable shoes
having a clean house and car
having laundry done and put away
chatting with nice people I meet while out and about
flowers/plants
Lush products
scrubs from Isle of Eden
pajama pants
jeans
good communication
going to see bands
dinner with my husband or friends or family
holidays (how ironic, I used to HATE holidays)
pumpkin/peppermint bark/etc. (seasonal drinks/food)
being in cold weather (used to HATE this, too)
water (drinking it AND being in it haha)
art. and owning original pieces of art.
getting to know new friends/mutual friends of friends
good movies
my iphone

and at least one million other things.

bloggers block

So I figured I should just jump in here and post so that it doesn't seem so intimidating to start up again.

I have been a tiny bit busy. Got married. November 8. It was the most fun I have ever had. I should probably post some stories and pictures from it.

I thought that after the wedding I would feel a huge relief that I am not so busy anymore. Except that now I have to deal with the 86 things I was too busy to handle for the last 6-9 months. I need to make doctor appointments, an eye exam appointment, I have to clean out countless drawers and closets, have to deal with my car that is hardly running, etc. I am going to make a big ol' list and start checking things off.

I will say that my first day back at work made me want to turn right around and walk out and never come back. Nothing happened specifically, I just felt like I HAVE GIVEN YOU FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I AM FUCKING DONE DONE DONE. I am getting back into the swing of things now and it is okay.

I am thinking of planning our honeymoon and maybe 2 other big trips for the year and maybe 2-3 smaller ones. Honeymoon in Feb or March and then a few more trips to keep me motivated and have things to look forward to. I am thinking:

big trips (expense wise)
1. New York
2. either Hawaii or Bahamas or Europe for a week in Aug or September

smaller trips
1. a mini cruise DON'T TELL TONY HE HATES THIS IDEA. but I thought maybe a little 3-4 day Mexico cruise would be fun and it's super cheap! Like $250 per person for the whole thing.
2. to the house in Utah either in Jan if possible or mid-summer or next winter
3. Seattle to visit family or somewhere random like New Orleans or Chicago just for fun

We usually end up throwing in a few extra mini-vacations every few months because we have shows/festivals we go to a lot or just family events come up, etc.

I NEED MY LIFE TO BE A STRING OF VACATIONS CONNECTED BY TINY AMOUNTS OF WORK.

lies

So when I was a young teenager someone told me a lie. I can not for the life of me remember who it was. I have repeated this lie all through my life. I thought it was true. I have told many people and mesmerized them with my Amazing Facts, never knowing it was NOT TRUE. People usually respond to this particular info by turning their head to the side, squinting their eyes and saying "Hmm, really?" never wanting to believe and I have to convince them of it.

I have questioned the information myself many times when I proved it to be incorrect. Over and over. Yet, I still believed it somehow and still told people about it.

The lie: pineapple juice stains anything it touches BLACK.

Now, I eat a lot of pineapple. A super lot. I eat it until my tongue hurts. Those suckers are juicy and I often get pineapple juice on something. EVERY SINGLE TIME I EXPECT THE STAIN TO BE BLACK. It never is. Not even once. In fact, it never stains at all, not my white shirts, nothing.

But in my head I still say to myself OH FUCK! PINEAPPLE STAINS BLACK!!!

Who told me this and why do I believe it even though I have proved that it isn't true? Why did someone tell me this anyway? How many people have I told this weird thing to who figured out it wasn't true at all? WTF?

November 8th

In one month from today I will be married. If you would have asked me in 2003 what I would be doing in 5 years from now I would have probably said I would be dead or I would have just cried at the thought of what I wouldn't be doing. The last five years have been a crazy ride, I am so grateful that I made it out and that I was lucky enough to find my soulmate. I am lucky in every aspect of my life. Sometimes it seems like working hard and being a loyal honest person never pays off. Then I realize that even though I don't have millions of dollars I am so rich. With love and family and friends and just everything that makes my life mine.

It reminds me of a cheesy Ben Folds song, called The Luckiest. It's kind of about how he just feels like he never does anything right but that all of those paths led him to the love of his life and he realizes he is the luckiest after all.

Since I wrote last... I have had lots of firsts.

1. I turned 32.

2. I went away for 4 days for my bachelorette weekend. Never had one of those before.

3. I rode the bus to get to work for the first time in my life.

4. I saw three skunks together. I ran away because that is the smartest thing to do when you see a bunch of skunks hanging out, but it excited me very much. I yelled "THREE SKUNKS, THERE WERE THREE!!!" about a hundred times. Tony didn't seem as excited about it as I was. In fact, he seemed to lack any interest in the situation. For the record, he ran too. I think I also referred to it as a miracle, which incited a very puzzled look from Tony.

5. I found out I liked tempeh. I hate all meat alternatives except for veggie burger type things and the veggie corndogs from Hot Dog On A Stick. I would never try it before, but, I got it not knowing what I was getting and it was REALLY good. Like crazy good.

That is all for now, I will try to blog more again. I have been way too busy to deal with it. I got a laptop as an early wedding gift so I should use it to blog, right?

shadys back

Hi. I got back from up north and then left a few days later for Canada and now I'm back from Canada. That is all I have to say. Oh, and I got an early bday present, an iPhone! Hooray!

Kids are funny

I am in Northern California visiting some family and they had a bridal
shower for me here, too. I am staying with my childhood best friend who
I still talk to for about 15 hours a week on the phone. She has two
kids, Kat just turned 11 and Dre is 3, he will be 4 in a month. They are
sweet and entertaining beyond words. I will post about the dog show and
music performance with pics when I get home. In the meantime here is a
bit about our morning.

In the words of three year old Dreyson after he captured and named a
caterpillar...

"I am naming him MY name. There are now two Dreyson's... one is a
cat-a-pill-dar and one IS A MAN."

Then he wanted to show me the cat-a-pill-dar's testicle and we took
photos of it.

Karen tried to be a good parent for a moment (that was her wording) and
she said "Dreyson, for future reference we usually do not take photos of
anyone's testicle."

He put his new pet (now he is saying cal-a-pitter) in an empty cool whip
container with some leaves. He is obsessed with it.

Oh boy, I am having fun!

NOT.

I am addressing our wedding invitations. By myself. I wouldn't say it is HORRIFIC, but it is boring and hand/neck/arm hurty. It is also turning my brain into mush.

When I decided to plop down and type this out I sat here in the computer chair with my arms at my sides, eyes closed, and almost fell asleep within like 15 seconds.

Ooh, I did do something fun tonight! Tony and I made more ice cream. He made Nesquik (chocolate drink mix) and almond ice cream and I made vanilla and then added two cups of pureed fresh strawberries and blackberries. I think mine is more delicious and he thinks his is the best. Of course. He loves tons of almond extract and I just like a touch of it, so his is too strong for me and I love strawberry ice cream and he does not like it usually. He likes berries on their own, and he eats them all of the time, but he does not like them mixed into anything. So we were destined to not love each other's experiments.

I stopped doing the invitations and took a break because I had to look up how to address an invite to a widow. Apparently the proper way is to still us the husband's name, such as Mrs. John Smith. I just think that is too sad so I am going to do it with just her name, but keep the Mrs. part... Mrs. Jane Smith. Isn't is depressing to put the person's dead spouse's name on the invite for a joyous celebration? I don't know, if something ever happened to T I guess I would be proud for people to always keep addressing me with his name, plus I would miss him so much that a little invite wouldn't throw me into sadness because I would always be thinking about him anyway.

Random thoughts.

1. Homemade vanilla ice cream is so delicious and easy to make that I
will never buy it again. Plus I know what is in it, no preservatives or
chemicals, we used 100% organic ingredients. Only whole milk, heavy
cream, vanilla extract and sugar. Yum.

2. Sarah Palin's son Trig is one of the most adorable babies I have ever
seen. I am in love with him. I have been searching for pictures of him.
Yes, I hate her, but her son is precious.

3. Tony is the best. Ever. I am really exhausted and stressed and he
surprised me by taking all 5 loads of my laundry and washing them while
I was at work. Then after showing me that my laundry is done he made me
dinner.

4. Reno 911 is one of the best shows ever and the movie and extras on
the DVD are even better.

5. Some people are just never happy and won't ever be happy. It is very
tiring.

6. I am a jerk. Someone that wasn't very nice to me and that made me
feel like shit has been outed as an asshole and pretty much lost all of
their friends and it is a tiny bit satisfying to me. Yes, I know that
the fact that I feel like that just says something shitty about me.
Whatever. I do feel bad for the people that have been hurt in the
situation, but I don't feel bad for the asshole.

7. I love that stupid show Jon and Kate Plus Eight and I can't help it.
It is about a family with twins and sextuplets. I told a lady today that
her 2 yr old boy looked like one of the sextuplets and she said someone
else told her that the other day.

8. I am not registered to vote.

9. I got my new passport in the mail the other day. I leave in 11 days.
DO NOT WANT.

10. My nose is really cold right now.

Never ending.

Our neighbors do laundry all day and night until like 2 in the morning.
Seriously. Like 20 hours a day. I am not exaggerating. They also use
REALLY strongly scented detergent and it is gross. I am sitting in our
livingroom and it smells so much right now, it is like a thick cloud.
Maybe it is actually the fabric softener sheets. I am disgusted. I would
buy them some that smells less or better but I could never donate the
amount they use.

We wonder what they do, like do they own a cleaning service or
something? How do they do so much laundry and why?

By the way I just had to ask Tony what those square fabric/paper sheets
were called that you put in the dryer so your clothes don't stick
together. He said, "Uh, do you mean fabric softener?" He looked at me
like I was crazy. I get that look a lot.

Mmm.

I can't wait for our new ice cream maker freezer bowls to freeze. We are
going to make organic vanilla ice cream. Then once we master that we are
going to get fancy with our flavors. Oh boy!

It was all about me.

Reagan and Clementine threw me the most amazing bridal shower today. I am so lucky to have such loving and supportive friends and family.

The decorations were SO cute, I need to post pictures of them.

It was a little hard because I am not the type of person that likes to be the center of attention and in addition I get major social anxiety. Having everyone's eyes on me was a bit nerve-wracking to say the least and I think what was hitting me the most was that I am really scared about my wedding day. I am so afraid to have everyone looking at me and focusing on me and how I look. I kept having to push it out of my head today because I wanted to just burst into tears and call Tony and tell him I didn't want to have the wedding and I don't know what to do because at this point we have to. You know what though? I do want a big wedding, I want to have all of our amazing friends and family members in one place. I want to have the memory of it forever and to be able to look back on it and to tell our kids about it someday. I want the wedding, just not the anxiety.

I am glad I got to experience today so I am a bit prepared for the wedding. I was just having a temporary freak out. Both Reagan and Clementine said at some point "OMG it is hitting me that you are really getting married, today made it real" and that was how it was for me too. Very emotional. I was afraid to really feel it because I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. I was so nervous and I thought that everyone noticed and I felt really weird, but I bet no one knew and that I was just freaking out inside. There were moments where I was truly relaxed, and don't get me wrong, I did really enjoy the day, I just had no idea how crazy nervous I was going to be. It took me getting out of the situation for an hour to have it all really sink in. I am just so grateful that I have so many people that love us so much.

The best part was that they had everyone write me a little card with either advice or wishes or anything they wanted. I got home and showed T the amazing gifts we got and then we opened the cards together and I sat on the couch with tears running down my face reading all of the sweet and funny and loving things that everyone wrote.

I was so glad that I had those little notecards to read, it was the perfect ending to my day. I am going to keep them forever and read them when I need a little boost of love and support.

Thank you Reagz and Clem for such a special day and for being such loving friends, my friends are like family to me and I just don't know what I would do without any of you. I love everyone that was at my shower and it was just so overwhelming that it was all for me and Tony.

Seriously, how do we have, like, 75 amazing and really close friends?
How are we so blessed? I don't know, but I am forever grateful. Odd that I have a huge social circle and a social anxiety. Haha.

Yes I did.

I just screamed when Britney Spears won at the VMAs.

Tony said, "Are you serious?" I then proceeded to sing her song.

Yes. This happened. Shh.