Do not believe me.

If I try to convince you that I am not a bridezilla... do not believe
me.

Guess who's back?

I am back to work and things are good, despite the ups and downs that
always happen.

I have been able to spend time with my Tony and I needed to do that. We
have both been exhausted the last few days, him from jet lag and me from
everything.

I got to go back to work and get in the groove again.

We got several major wedding related things done. There are still MANY
major things to handle, but things are very slowly falling into place.
My 2 bridal showers and my one bachelorette party are being planned by
my amazing besties.

We went and saw The Dark Knight with friend's we don't see very often
anymore.

I finally did laundry after a month.

We went to our friend's baby's first birthday last night and we have
another friend's kid's birthday party tomorrow night.

I think I might go take a bath for the first time in months.

We are really looking forward to our little Santa Barbara vacation this
weekend.

I am a little sad I didn't write the last few days, but I just couldn't.
My head was too cloudy and I was too upset and overwhelmed to care about
blogging. If I would have posted t would have been super emo and/or
annoying and whiny anyway.

Verdict. People vs. Leland Wong.

Count 1 guilty
Count 2 guilty
Count 3 guilty
Count 4 guilty
Count 5 guilty
Count 6 guilty
Count 7 not guilty
Count 8 guilty
Count 9 guilty
Count 10 guilty
Count 11 guilty
Count 12 guilty
Count 13 not guilty
Count 14 not guilty
Count 15 not guilty
Count 16 not guilty
Count 17 not guilty
Count 18 guilty
Count 19 guilty
Count 20 guilty
Count 21 not guilty

What the counts were...
1 bribery
2-3 conflict of interests
4 perjury
5-17 theft by embezzlement
18-20 filing a false tax return
21 conflict of interests

This was very emotional and I don't know if I will be able to write
about the details anytime soon. I might write everything out but there
is part of me that just doesn't even want to talk about it. I have done
a lot of crying today and this does not feel good at all. It feels very
raw and surreal right now and just sickening. I am wondering if I will
ever be able to shake this feeling or if it will always feel this way.

I know we did the right thing, I just wish it didn't have to be this
way. I will think about Mr. Wong's son Jonathan for the rest of my life.
Seeing his reaction to the verdict tore out my heart and I feel like
part of me was left back there in that courtroom. My stomach still feels
like it is in my throat.

Sentencing is September 25, 2008.

I was going to try and go but now I am not sure if I can do it.

I won't ever forget that I was Juror number 8.

Shhh.

TT! Why you gotta tell everyone about my own private Idaho?

No, silly. I don't want you to be gone. Even though you are saying that
I do.

I do not have any idea as to why our most special kitty has dreads. I
didn't do anything weird to her. Since she doesn't let me touch her back
ever (under threat of amputation) I thought it was normal. Now you are
going to tease (no pun intended) me about it forever.

Oh, and, you said you were going to bed so I could watch whatever I want
but you wouldn't let me watch Project Runway. You haven't gone to bed
still and it has been a long time and I am being forced to watch various
forms of news programming which will not be shocking to anyone. Hmph.

Come on TT, let's go get our sleep sleeps.

Unwinding

Tony is home. The knot in my stomach is slowly disappearing. Back to
regulary scheduled programming.

the attorneys must be tired.

prosecution rested. 

defense rested. 

next stage began today. 

closing arguments. 

then we deliberate. 

then we come up with a verdict. 

then I am done. 

The sick part? I am really going to miss spending time with some of the other jurors. There are lots of really great, nice, intelligent, interesting people on our jury. There are a few that I really enjoy hanging out with and in fact one of them has really given me some great advice and perspective on life. I am trying to work up the courage to ask one of them to keep in touch with me. You never know who is going to walk into your life, or why they are there, but sometimes you know certain things are happening for a reason. 

one more sleep.

this is it. only one more night. 

stinker face

This post on www.dooce.com (one of my favorite blogs) reminds me of Clementine's smelly face cream. I came over one day and Clementine's significant other said "Come here and smell Clem's face! Tell her it stinks!" I was like, "Huh? What is happening here?" and then I was forced to smell her cheek and OMG her stunningly beautiful face smelled like a junk yard. An extra stinky junk yard. 

So the funniest part about it is that we gave her so much shit, and we were both so horrified that she would wear this yucky (although expensive) substance on her face, that I went and bought her a new face cream as a little prezzie. The one I bought her was a bad batch (which happens with Lush products, although very rarely) and I ended up gifting her an even MORE smelly cream on accident. Oops. Sorry Clemmykins. You are destined to be a stinker face. 

looking back at craptastic July

I am looking through my posts from July, dude this has been such a sucky month! I knew it would be with so many things going on, I have just been bracing myself to get through it. Only 2 more weeks of trial and I can actually have 2 days off per week and not be stretching myself so thin, and Tony will be home from tour and I can really get some serious planning done for the wedding.

Thank goodness it is almost over. In retrospect is isn't the worst time I have ever had but it has just been so stressful at every turn and everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. There have been so many crazy things to deal with and it didn't help that one of my 2 best girlfriends in LA moved away and Tony is gone along with everything else. 

It has been so emotional and poopy. I was going to write a list of the 87 shitty stressful things that have happened but instead I will think positive and try to put it all behind me. The good part is that the month FLEW by. You know when something seems like it is forever but at the same time is is gone before you know it? Thank goodness it is almost over. 

Yes, I do have perspective I realize that everything I have dealt with this month is not life or death and I do know that I am still really lucky to live the spoiled life I live, but that doesn't mean I can't call a really stressful time what it was. As long as everyone I love is healthy and generally happy, I am grateful and I never lose that reality. Trust me, I know things can be worse, much worse. I would take this stress any day over things my loved ones have had to deal with recently.

The good news is that Tony and I are smarty pants and we planned a vacation for August 2-4 because we knew he would be home from tour and I would be done with the trial and the overall stressful month and it would be a good reward. We are staying here in Santa Barbara:

How amazing does this look? Oh boy, I can't wait!

wedding flowers

We have been having lots of trouble getting actual ideas for our wedding. We know the outline of what we want but when it comes to actual colors or decor or flowers, etc., we don't have anything nailed down yet and we are only 3 months away!

The only thing we have really wanted from the beginning are orchids. We got engaged in Maui and they use SO many orchids there, and we both love them, so we thought it would be a good flower idea. I have been at a loss as to any ideas for my bouquet using orchids because I really haven't seen anything I liked. I think I found something! I really like the idea of using succulents in our table centerpieces and my bouquet, etc. It might sound a bit odd, but check out these pictures... I love this look! Especially since we are getting married in the desert at a botanical garden/nature preserve.

message from the cat

Amber wants me to tell the world that SHE LOVES BACON.

DUH.

So I just figured out why I have been a total psycho and feeling physically ill and awful for the last week. 

PMS. 

For a few days every month for about 20 years now I start to feel extra fat (even when I only weighed 95lbs) and I am extra emotional and start crying out of nowhere and I get severe headaches and nausea and bad stomach issues. Yet, every time I start my period I am shocked as if it came out of nowhere and was a total surprise and then I say to myself "Ohhh! That is why I was feeling this way!" Why do I never connect it? It is really bizarre. I suppose I should keep a calendar and maybe I will be expecting it from now on. 

not a pretty sight

This morning I went to work at 7:30am with a migraine. I left at around 11am. If I was not nauseous and barfy I could have worked through the pain. 

While I was at work Tony called me from backstage at the festival in Belgium, he just got off stage playing and had a great time and a good show. He said he cut himself open pretty bad but he didn't seem to be too concerned about it. He did say he was wondering if it was bad enough to need stitches.  I could hear his brother and Lora in the background saying hello to me. When he first called I burst into tears. I have been having a much harder time than I thought I would.

I came home and fed Amber a can of tuna since I realized she had no food and then I slept (or tried) until around 3pm. I had all kinds of weird bad nightmares while I faded in and out of sleep. Then I sat up and stared at the tv for about 3 hours. 

I finally pulled myself off of the couch to go to the grocery store in the shirt I had been napping and sweating in for 3 hours and some baggy jeans. Fantastic. I rented 2 movies and then went to an ice cream store next to the grocery store and got a soft serve thing mixed with reese's. Finally made it in the grocery store and bought 18 cans of cat food and a refrigerated pizza to cook for dinner. At last I didn't get a frozen one, right?

Today, I was not a pretty sight. This is so depressing for some reason. What in the hell is wrong with me?

:(

i don't like today. it was a crap day. i did nothing of value and had a headache.

:( 

where is my tt?

blah.

I don't think Tony and I have gone a day without talking since he went to Mexico once and had no cell reception. Other than that we haven't gone a day without speaking in maybe 3 or 4 years. He left me a message while I was in court. I saved it so I can listen to it if I start to get really sad. 

I feel a little lost. Like I don't know what to do. I know it sounds pathetic. Whatever, when your fiance goes to Europe to play a show 3 months before your wedding, without you, you can then tell me I am being a little bitch about it. :)

Next time I will go, I just couldn't deal with it right now. Too much to handle at home.

I am not devastated or totally depressed, just feel a bit lonely and bored. 

wedding website

http://www.tornaywedding.blogspot.com

public info

Sometimes I want to post things and I can't because I don't want to post things about certain feelings/friends because I don't want to:

1. post things that will end up on fan websites (like amazing pictures of Clemmy wearing a veil while I was trying on wedding dresses)

2. post things that reveal things about people close to me (such as relationships and/or embarrassing things) that they consider private to the world like things with C/M/R or T

3. post things that hurt people's feelings but that I really want to vent about

4. post things that are personal to me that I feel self-conscious about and don't want mocked or used against me

I wish I could blog a little more freely. Now I understand how Clementine feels about posting every day life things and personal things, it is hard to find the balance of letting people in and still keeping them at a distance and not revealing too much. I want to write about the most important people to me which are C, T and R and yet most things I want to write about fall into the above categories. What is a girl to do? 

I always assume that no one gives a shit about C's private life but when I see pages and pages and threads 60 pages long on weird fan websites, and little avatar pictures of her it kind of freaks me out and reminds me that I have to be a little careful sometimes. 

See I have written out about 6 sentences that I erased because I think maybe some things shouldn't be said. I am not under any illusions that certain peeps are more famous than they actually are, but I suppose it is like obscure bands, they have a rabid following even if it isn't many people. Except no one usually picks apart details of obscure band members like they do with actors. 

Okay, I am going to go read tmz now. Oops. Haha.

goodbye

Tony is at the airport, I just dropped him off, he is flying out of LAX at 9:45pm to NYC and then leaving tomorrow night to Belgium and then traveling Amsterdam. I am so jealous! He is going to play the Dour festival. 

Packing

I hate packing, luckily I have it down to an art. I had to pack tonight
but I don't get to go anywhere. No fair!

T is all ready to go. I take him to the airport tomorrow night. I will
be so busy that I won't have much time to sit around and be bored and
lonely. I will miss him a lot though. I am so used to being with him all
of the time and not being able to really talk to him will be weird.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. :(

why oh why?

How come Minute Maid "cranberry juice" is one hundred thousand times better than any other cranberry juice?